Owner Promises “Things Will Slow Down Next Week” for 11th Consecutive Week | FFFW 291
Welcome to 06/24/26! Today is the only Friday this month that is all even numbers, and yes, people in my life tell me it’s weird that I think of stuff like that.
Anyway! Let’s get to it!
HOLIDAY TRACKER!
14 Fridays until Halloween
17 Fridays until Thanksgiving
21 Fridays until Christmas
Did You Hear That?
Four microphone options for your funeral home, ranked from basic backup to best-possible audio
Anyone who’s watched a funeral livestream, can tell you the same thing: less-than-perfect video is tolerable, but poor audio is unforgivable.
While there is no one-size-fits-all solution, the good news is that it’s something you can control. The best microphone will depend on your chapel, your workflow, and how you livestream.
You have options and you don’t need to be a pro audio technician to do it right.
Do you know which of the following microphones is best suited to your funeral home? A shotgun mic, an onboard mic, an in-house mic, a wireless mic?
This week’s streaming tip covers four common microphone options for funeral streaming and what your best option may be for flawless audio.
Check out Tip #17 to make sure you’ve got the right mic.
Owner Promises “Things Will Slow Down Next Week” for 11th Consecutive Week
Springfield, Ohio — For the eleventh week in a row, local funeral home owner Mark Henderson reportedly assured his exhausted staff Monday morning that business would “definitely start slowing down next week.”
Employees say Henderson has delivered nearly the exact same speech every Monday since early May.
“Just hang in there a few more days,” Henderson told staff while pouring his first cup of coffee. “Summer always settles down eventually.”
Roughly fifteen minutes later, the funeral home’s first call of the day came in.
Then another.
Then another.
According to office manager Karen Lewis, the promise has become such a regular occurrence that employees have started tracking it on the break room calendar.
“We’re not even making fun of him anymore,” Lewis said. “It’s honestly become comforting. Every Monday he says next week will be easier, and every Tuesday we’re scheduling three visitations at once.”
Funeral director Alex Moore admitted he briefly believed the prediction back in June.
“Now I just nod,” Moore said. “It’s like when your GPS says you’ll arrive in 18 minutes, but you’ve been sitting in construction traffic for an hour.”
Coworkers report Henderson’s optimism remains remarkably resilient despite mounting evidence to the contrary.
Witnesses say he has attributed the nonexistent slowdown to everything from graduation season and vacations to the weather, Mercury being in retrograde, and “people just getting things out of their system.”
“I’ve been doing this for thirty years,” Henderson reportedly said. “Trust me. Next week is when it finally eases up.”
Sources confirmed he was overheard making the same prediction again Thursday afternoon.
ASK THE FUNERAL DUDE!
Dear Funeral Dude, what’s the professional response when someone says, “You must be busy… people are always dying,” for the hundredth time? -Mr.ImTired
First of all, when someone says, “You must be busy… people are always dying,” it’s important to respond professionally.
That means stopping whatever you’re doing immediately.
Smile.
Then laugh.
Not just a polite little chuckle, either. I mean a full-blown, doubled-over, slapping-your-knee, can’t-breathe kind of laugh. If you can squeeze out a tear, even better.
When you finally regain your composure, tell them, “Wow… in 27 years, I’ve somehow never heard that one.”
Then ask if they’ve ever considered stand-up comedy.
If any coworkers are nearby, wave them over.
“Guys! Get in here! You’re not going to believe what this person just came up with!”
Encourage the storyteller to repeat it for the group. They’ll appreciate the opportunity to showcase such an original observation.
Remember, this individual genuinely believes they’ve discovered a hidden truth that nobody in funeral service has ever considered before. They deserve to feel like they’ve just reinvented humor itself.
And just when you think the moment is over, brace yourself. There’s a solid chance they’ll follow it up with, “Well… I guess your customers never complain!”
At that point, simply nod with admiration. You’re witnessing a comedy legend at work.
Stay strong.
GIF OF THE WEEK
