Funeral Director Needs One More for Fantasy League, Realizes Arrangement Conference Has Eight Potential Candidates | FFFW 296
How are we already almost done with August? School is back in session, college football is in Week 0, and the NFL kickoff is right around the corner. Am I sensing something? Do you feel a little tingle in the air? Could it be that fall is underway?!?!
Well, I’m not falling for it.
See, every year around this time, I start getting this false sense of optimism that fall is REALLY here. Then I put away my short sleeves and bust out the hoodies and jackets (my favorite clothes). And then I spend four weeks peeling sweaty flannels off my overheated body.
I ain’t doing it this time.
No, fall. I’m not just gonna wait around like a hormonal 15-year-old boy by his phone, waiting for the cheerleader to text him back.
Nope.
Fall, you’re gonna have to work HARD to get me back in your arms. I’m playing hard to get. My flip-flops feel REALLY good right now—you’re not gonna make me trade them for wool socks and boots just to go back to 95-degree days.
Nope. Not this time.
You’re gonna have to prove you’re here to stay before you get me this year.
HOLIDAY TRACKER!
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12 Fridays until Thanksgiving
16 Fridays until Christmas
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Funeral Director Needs One More for Fantasy League, Realizes Arrangement Conference Has Eight Potential Candidates
COLUMBUS, OH — Local funeral director Brian Matthews had reportedly spent the better part of two weeks searching for one final member to round out his 12-man fantasy football league before realizing Tuesday morning that eight potential candidates were sitting directly across from him in an arrangement conference.
Matthews, who had already exhausted nearly every option in his personal life, said the breakthrough came approximately 15 minutes into arrangements for the late Robert Jenkins.
“I’d asked my brother-in-law, two guys from church, my neighbor, and even the dude who does our HVAC,” Matthews said. “Nobody wanted in.”
Then Matthews looked around the arrangement room.
Eight adults. Most of them men. Several wearing NFL or college football apparel.
“I thought, ‘Wait a second.’”
According to the Jenkins family, Matthews remained completely professional for the first portion of the arrangement, discussing service times, burial options, and their father’s wishes.
Then he began gathering what appeared to be additional biographical information.
“So, what did your father do for a living?” Matthews asked. “And did he have any hobbies? Also, completely unrelated, but do any of you guys play fantasy?”
The room reportedly went silent.
Matthews quickly clarified that there was “absolutely no pressure” before explaining that it was a standard 12-team PPR league with a $50 buy-in and the draft was Thursday at 7 p.m.
Family members initially assumed Matthews was making small talk.
That changed when he began evaluating individual candidates.
“Your brother-in-law seems like he knows ball,” Matthews reportedly whispered to the deceased’s oldest daughter. “What’s his situation?”
Matthews then spent several minutes casually working football questions into the arrangement.
When one grandson mentioned that he was a Cowboys fan, Matthews wrote something down.
When another family member said he hadn’t watched the NFL closely since 2017, Matthews quietly crossed his name off.
But Matthews reportedly became visibly excited when the deceased’s nephew, Greg, mentioned that he had played fantasy football for several years.
“Oh, really?” Matthews said, sitting forward in his chair. “Redraft? Dynasty? What are we talking about?”
Witnesses say the arrangement conference briefly came to a complete halt as Matthews and Greg discussed draft strategy.
Matthews eventually regained his composure and returned to planning the service, but not before confirming that Greg had Thursday evening free.
At the conclusion of the arrangement, Matthews handed the family several folders containing information about the funeral home, copies of the General Price List, and his business card.
Greg received one additional piece of paper.
“LeagueSafe info is on there,” Matthews whispered. “Draft link should hit your email tonight.”
At press time, Matthews was reportedly thrilled to finally have a full 12-team league but had already begun eyeing an upcoming arrangement conference after learning Greg planned to draft a quarterback in the first round.
ASK THE FUNERAL DUDE!
Dear Funeral Dude, my son told me he doesn’t want to go into the funeral space. How can I convince him he should reconsider and train to take over the family business? -Mr.Legacy
Dear Mr. Legacy,
Your son seems to be under the impression that he gets to choose.
This isn’t a job. It’s a calling. A birthright. Somewhere in the great beyond, four generations of men with strong handshakes and surprisingly nice suits are looking down at him, wondering where they went wrong.
His great-grandfather didn’t spend 40 years answering the phone at 2:13 a.m. so his great-grandson could “see what else is out there.”
What else is out there? Marketing? Accounting? Software sales?
Please.
He has funeral service in his blood. His ancestors built this business one arrangement conference, one church fan, and one extremely heavy oak casket at a time. They didn’t have hydraulic church trucks. They had lower-back pain and a sense of duty.
And it’s a good life! It’s honest work. You serve families at the worst moments of their lives. You become a pillar of the community. You get to wear cool suits. People call you “Mr.” before you’re old enough to deserve it.
Danny DeVito worked in a funeral home, for crying out loud. You think that’s a coincidence?
Your son can run from his destiny. He can move away. He can get a degree in graphic design. He can start a podcast.
But one day, he’ll look in the mirror and realize something is missing.
And on that day, he’ll hear the faint voices of his ancestors whispering from beyond the grave:
“Should’ve gotten your embalming license.”
Honor the bloodline.
-The Funeral Dude
GIF OF THE WEEK
