Funeral Directors Can’t Quit Their Annual PSL Tradition

I’ve been living a double life.

Most of you know me as the person who drops a weekly batch of funeral industry satire in the FFFW. But here’s the twist—when I’m not poking fun at embalming fluid and grief dogs, I’m actually a signed recording artist in Nashville with Capital CMG.

This year, music has become my main focus. Still, I love this profession too much to step away from the FFFW. Honestly, writing this every week is one of my highlights.

And speaking of highlights— My boss, Ryan Thogmartin, has been nudging me to plug my music here for a while now, and I think today’s the day. So, here it is: I just released my debut EP, OUTSKIRTS (a 7-song record).

No, it’s not funeral themed (though now I’m wondering what a concept album about embalming would sound like). But if you enjoy the FFFW and want to hear what else I create, I’d love for you to check it out. Maybe there’s a song or two on there that’ll hit home for you.

CHECK IT OUT HERE

Hey, also what’s really cool is that Kyle from MemoryShare has been one of my #1 encouragers through this whole process. So check out what he and his incredible company are doing!

Introducing The Memo by MemoryShare

New monthly newsletter!

“The Memo” is for funeral directors to stay updated on the latest tools, pro-tips, video tricks, and technology op-eds in the funeral profession. Subscribers will get exclusive access to early offers, discounts, and feature releases.

To subscribe to The Memo, click the button below.

[Subscribe Now]

Funeral Home Owner Trots Out Annual “Pumpkin Spice Latte” Joke, Staff Politely Laugh for 7th Straight Year

SPRINGFIELD, MO – Fall has officially arrived at Whitmore Funeral Chapel, marked not by the changing leaves or the chill in the air, but by the predictable sound of owner Dale Whitmore recycling his annual joke at the expense of his younger staff.

The moment occurred Monday morning when apprentice director Kyle Hastings walked in holding a Starbucks cup. Without missing a beat, Dale quipped: “Careful with that—real men drink black coffee.”

Witnesses confirm it’s the seventh consecutive year Dale has delivered the same joke, with the exact same smirk, and the same dramatic pause afterward. “He actually chuckled at his own line before anyone else could react,” said embalmer Jeff. “That’s when we knew: fall is here.”

At this point, the bit has become something of an office tradition. “It’s less about the joke and more about watching Dale’s face light up like he’s reinvented stand-up comedy,” Kyle explained. “We chuckle, we nod, and we move on with our day. It’s basically our version of putting up the Halloween décor.”

Other staff admit they quietly prepare for it. “I order a PSL every October just so Dale can get it out of his system,” said grief counselor Paula. “It’s cheaper than therapy.”

Despite growing weariness from employees, Dale shows no signs of retiring the gag. “As long as Starbucks keeps selling those things, I’m gonna keep saying it,” he said proudly. “Tradition matters in this profession.”

When asked if he ever considered a new joke, Dale shook his head. “Why mess with perfection?”

Trivia

Choose the correct answer and you’ll see a puppy. Get it wrong and you’ll see someone hurting themselves.

When adjusted for inflation and modern currency, who’s funeral was the most expensive in history?

What is the most expensive funeral ever recorded in modern history?
A) Alexander the Great’s funeral
B) Princess Diana’s funeral
C) Pope John Paul II’s funeral