Santa's Embalmer? | FFFW 164 | Connecting Directors

DISCLAIMER: None of the F’s in FFFW stand for “facts.” Enjoy the satire.

Happy December 1st! We’ve arrived at the jolliest month of the year. As you know, we love to celebrate here at the FFFW. But don’t worry, we won’t let that get in the way of the hard-hitting, tough-nosed, fact-filled reporting that you’re used to.

Fridays left til Christmas: 3

Homesteaders Makes it Rain?

What’s better than a 25 bps increase in growth on your preneed block? A 30 bps increase! Homesteaders is excited to announce one of the industry’s highest growth rate increases – an average of 30 bps on all new business, beginning March 15. Learn more.

Game Time

Which of these presidents did NOT die in December?

NOTE: click your answer. If you get a Bald Eagle, you’re right. If you get any other GIF, you need to try again.
a) Harry Truman
b) Gerald Ford
c) George Washington
d) William Taft

“An Exclusive Interview with Jolly the Elf: The North Pole’s Most Festive Funeral Director”

In the heart of the North Pole, where joy and festivities usually reign supreme, we found a funeral director like no other. Meet Jolly the Elf, who spreads cheer even in the most somber of moments as he guides the dearly departed to their final resting place. With his rosy cheeks, twinkling eyes, and a penchant for singing carols at funerals, Jolly brings a unique twist to the world of deathcare.

In our exclusive interview with Jolly, we delved into the world of elfin funeral services, where Christmas spirit meets eternal rest.

Q: Jolly, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Can you tell us how you became a funeral director at the North Pole?

Jolly: Ho, ho, ho! Well, you see, I always had a fascination with the afterlife. I wanted to make sure even our dearly departed friends have a merry journey ahead. So, I applied for the position, and Santa, being the compassionate fellow he is, gave me a chance. And here I am, spreading cheer in both life and death!

Q: That’s quite a unique calling, Jolly. How do you maintain the holiday spirit in such solemn moments?

Jolly: Elf deaths aren’t quite as sad as humans, because we don’t matter as much. We were made to bring joy to all the little boys and little girls around the globe! So, if we have a lifetime of doing that, we don’t get too worked up at the end. We also reproduce rapidly like feral rabbits, so there’s always a “next up” to fulfill our duties to the Pole.

Q: Oh wow. So what brings you purpose and enjoyment as a deathcare worker?

Jolly: The embalming.

Q: Do you offer any reindeer funerals?

Jolly: Ha! The livestock? That’s cute. I know you Southerners all think they’re special because of the one with the shiny nose, but in reality, those deer are tools to be used for means of operation. So, we just do a group cremation every year for them and scatter the ashes around a little bit.

Q: What other traditions might surprise us “Southerners?”

Jolly: We don’t do obituaries. We live for thousands of years so the “survived by” section just would take up too much space. The Daily Jingle really doesn’t want to use that much paper. Also, Santa comes to every visitation. He can’t stick around the whole time, but he always swings by, does a little magic for the children, and hangs an ornament on the memorial tree.

In the world of funeral directors, Jolly the Elf stands as a beacon of holiday cheer, reminding us that even in the darkest moments, a little Christmas cheer can go a long way.