Tesla’s Flying Car Announcement Sparks Heated Debate Among Funeral Directors | FFFW 303
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Tesla’s Flying Car Announcement Sparks Heated Debate Among Funeral Directors Over Whether Airborne Processions Require Police Escorts
FFFW NEWS — Following Tesla’s recent flying car announcement, funeral directors across the country have found themselves embroiled in a heated debate over one of the most pressing questions facing the profession: Will flying funeral processions still require police escorts?
The controversy began when a funeral director in Ohio posted in a private Facebook group, “If the hearse is flying, does the police officer need a helicopter, or can he just drive underneath us?”
Within hours, the post had received 347 comments, six threats to leave the group, and one 4,000-word response from a retired funeral director explaining why things were better in 1978.
“I’ve been directing funerals for 42 years, and I can tell you right now, you cannot have a dignified procession without a police escort,” said funeral director Harold Whitmore. “I don’t care if we’re driving, flying, or traveling through a wormhole. Somebody needs to be blocking traffic.”
Others argue that flying processions would eliminate the need for police escorts altogether.
“There’s no traffic up there,” explained one younger funeral director. “What exactly are we escorting them through? A flock of geese?”
The debate has also raised questions about funeral procession etiquette, including whether other aircraft would be expected to yield, whether family members should turn on their hazard lights while flying, and how to handle the inevitable uncle who insists on flying his personal vehicle between the hearse and the limousine.
Several funeral directors have also expressed concern about the traditional practice of pulling over for a passing funeral procession.
“If I’m flying my Cessna and I see a hearse coming toward me at 3,000 feet, am I supposed to pull over?” asked one confused pilot. “And if so, WHERE?”
Meanwhile, funeral home owners have begun calculating the potential cost savings of airborne transportation, with one owner reportedly discovering that eliminating ground transportation could save his firm nearly $800 annually, provided the flying hearse costs less than $400,000 and requires no maintenance, fuel, insurance, or pilot.
Despite the controversy, funeral directors on both sides of the debate agree on one thing: There is absolutely no excuse for arriving late to the cemetery when you can literally fly over traffic.
At press time, the National Funeral Directors Association had not issued an official statement, although one funeral director was reportedly drafting a 17-page proposal requiring all flying hearses to maintain a respectful altitude of no less than 500 feet above any undignified activity.
ASK THE FUNERAL DUDE
Dear Funeral Dude,
My funeral home owner is considering purchasing a flying hearse after Tesla’s recent announcement. I’m concerned that having the deceased arrive at the cemetery by air might be a little too flashy. Is there a dignified way to make a grand entrance from 3,000 feet?
— Flying Too Close to the Sun
Dear Flying Too Close to the Sun,
There is nothing inherently undignified about flight. Birds fly. Angels fly. And I have personally witnessed a funeral director leap over three rows of pews to stop a cell phone from ringing.
However, dignity must remain our highest priority. I recommend a slow, controlled descent, a tasteful landing, and absolutely NO barrel rolls.
And under no circumstances should the pilot announce, “Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our final destination.”
Dignity Above All,
The Funeral Dude
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