Funeral Home Owner Shocked Intern Doesn't Know Shark Week Starts Monday | FFFW 290

Welcome back to the funeral profession’s only weekly dose of satire, fun, and otter GIFs. If you are reading this then you are blessed- you have made it to another Friday. As we all know, Fridays are the best. New movies, new music, good deals at dinner, and of course you get to read the FFFW.

So, let me be your escort into another weekend. And just like all good weekends, we need to start with a holiday countdown. ALSO- IT’S THE LAST WEEKEND BEFORE SHARK WEEK!

0 Fridays until Shark Week

15 Fridays until Halloween

18 Fridays until Thanksgiving

22 Fridays until Christmas

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See What Belongs in Your Streaming Kit →

Funeral Home Owner Shocked Intern Doesn’t Know Shark Week Starts Monday

Springfield, Missouri — Longtime funeral home owner Dennis Whitaker reportedly questioned the future of both the profession and the country Monday morning after discovering his summer intern had never heard of Shark Week.

According to witnesses, Whitaker greeted the college student with a grin before saying, “Listen, I still expect you to work hard this week. Shark Week isn’t an excuse to start slacking.”

The intern reportedly looked confused before quietly asking, “…What’s Shark Week?”

Employees say Whitaker stood motionless for several seconds before slowly removing his reading glasses.

“What do you mean, ‘What’s Shark Week?'” he asked. “It’s Shark Week.”

Staff members say Whitaker spent the next several minutes trying to explain what he repeatedly referred to as “one of America’s great traditions.”

“You know,” he said. “Sharks. Discovery Channel. Every summer.”

The intern admitted he had never watched cable television.

Witnesses say the revelation hit Whitaker harder than most vendor price increases.

“He just kept staring at him,” said office manager Linda Mercer. “Then he looked around the funeral home like he was seeing it for the first time.”

According to employees, Whitaker quietly muttered, “Next you’re gonna tell me nobody knows what a TV Guide is.”

Coworkers say the conversation quickly exposed a much larger issue.

Whitaker had apparently assumed Shark Week remained just as culturally significant as floral wallpaper, brass lamps, oak trim, plaid lobby couches, and serving coffee in Styrofoam cups.

“As far as Dennis is concerned, they’re all timeless,” said one embalmer. “The problem is only one of those things still gets updated.”

By lunchtime, Whitaker had declared the intern’s education “incomplete” and announced a mandatory cultural orientation in the break room.

The lesson reportedly included classic Shark Week clips, a brief history of Discovery Channel, an explanation of what “appointment television” meant, and several stories beginning with, “Back when everyone watched the same thing…”

Employees say the presentation eventually wandered into other subjects Whitaker believed every young funeral director should know.

“He explained fax etiquette.”

“He showed us how to refill the candy dish correctly.”

“He spent fifteen minutes defending wallpaper.”

“And somehow Shark Week was still the main topic.”

The intern later described the experience as “less of a training session and more of a guided tour through 1998.”

At press time, Whitaker had reportedly ended the meeting by reminding everyone that “some things never go out of style,” before gesturing proudly toward the plaid couch in the lobby that has been there since the Clinton administration.

ASK THE FUNERAL DUDE!

Our owner wants us to be the funeral home that “everyone sees online.” Where do we even begin? -Mr.Overmyhead

Mr.Overmyhead,

I wish I had an easy answer.

Facebook used to be simple. You’d post a community event, a few photos from the Veterans Day program, maybe a Christmas remembrance service, and folks actually saw it.

Now they tell me you have to “beat the algorithm.” I don’t know who Algorithm is, but he sounds like a difficult fellow.

Then there’s LinkedIn. I took a look over there, and unless your goal is to have every other funeral director in America congratulate you on hiring a new apprentice, I’m not convinced that’s where the families are.

I was beginning to think we’d run out of places to connect with people until I noticed one of our younger funeral directors on something called Tinder during a staff meeting.

When I asked what it was, he told me it was another social media platform they were exploring for the funeral home.

From what I’ve gathered, it focuses almost entirely on making one-on-one connections with people nearby.

Now that’s the kind of personal outreach I’ve been talking about.

If you’re looking to grow your funeral home’s online presence, I’d start there.