Director Announces Casual Summer Dress Code, Immediately Regrets Seeing Everyone’s Knees | FFFW 284
Can you believe it? We’ve made it to June! Summer is now in full swing, and popsicle companies are probably rejoicing.
Think about it- imagine how much sales go up for popsicles in the summer. I imagine they do 90% of their business between June and August.
Anyway, what am I even talking about? Is this a fun/satire column for popsicle companines? No! Though maybe I should start that next.
This is the FFFW AKA the “Friday Funeral Fast Wrap” where we bring smirks and chuckles to the funeral profession every week. Let’s get ready for the weekend!
Making Room in the Little Wooden Church
A true story.
Her family planned to hold the funeral service in the old wooden Presbyterian church on the grounds of the Sunnybrook Farm Museum in central Alberta. Its floorboards creaked, the wood-framed windowpanes twisted the winter sun, and its timeworn pews told hundreds of stories.
She grew up playing the organ there each week. And while the Willowdale Zion Church had been moved from its original home to the museum years earlier, it was where the family chose to say farewell.
The chapel was small. Only 40 people could fit inside. With hats, coats, and boots, it would even more of a squeeze. The cold prairie winds made standing outside impossible.
For overflow, they found a cozy classroom in the administration building next door. Instead of running cables between the buildings, the funeral director suggested they livestream the service.
Those who couldn’t fit inside the church gathered right next door and even came out to stand with the family as her casket was carried to the hearse.
The day was everything the family could have wished for their mother — a simple, beautiful moment made possible by a clever funeral director who understood that livestreaming isn’t only for friends far away.
Foveo helped guests gather right next door.
See how easy it is to livestream for overflow guests: https://foveo.org/tips
Director Announces Casual Summer Dress Code, Immediately Regrets Seeing Everyone’s Knees
Millbrook, Indiana — In an effort to boost morale during the summer months, funeral director Alan Pressley announced Monday that staff would be allowed to follow a more casual warm-weather dress code.
By Wednesday morning, he had seen Dennis’s knees.
The policy was intended to be simple. Staff could wear polos, lighter fabrics, and “tasteful summer attire” when not meeting with families.
Unfortunately, the phrase “tasteful summer attire” left room for interpretation, and longtime funeral assistant Dennis arrived in cargo shorts that revealed what several staff members later described as “a complicated knee situation.”
“I don’t want to be unkind,” Alan said, staring out his office window like a man who had just come back from war. “But they draw you in. I didn’t know knees or the human body could have that many shapes.”
Staff tried to remain professional, but productivity dropped almost immediately. Pam forgot what she was printing. Trevor walked into the supply closet and stood there for eleven minutes. One apprentice claimed he was “fine,” then asked if knees were supposed to have corners.
“It wasn’t offensive,” Linda explained. “It was just information we did not need as a team.”
By lunch, Alan called an emergency staff meeting to clarify the new policy without making direct eye contact with Dennis.
“We love comfort,” Alan said. “We love summer. But this profession is built on dignity, and dignity cannot thrive when certain joints are given full lobby access.”
To solve the issue, staff gently suggested that baggy, longer shorts were actually coming back in style.
Dennis rejected this immediately.
“Those aren’t dignified,” he said, while wearing shorts with a pocket large enough to hold a death certificate, a granola bar, and emotional damage.
The funeral home has since updated the dress code to allow casual summer clothing “within reason,” a phrase Alan defined as “nothing that makes the knee the main character.”
At press time, Dennis had switched back to slacks, though staff says the damage had already been done.
ASK THE FUNERAL DUDE!
Hey Funeral Dude, is there a respectful way to ask Dennis to stop wearing shorts, or do we just accept that his knees are part of the summer staff now? -Mr. I’m Disturbed
Mr. I’m Disturbed,
This is a delicate issue.
In the funeral profession, we are trained to handle grief, conflict, weather emergencies, technology failures, and families who say “just one more song” after already playing six.
But nothing prepares a man for a coworker’s knees.
Especially Dennis’s knees.
Now, you cannot simply tell him, “Your knees have become a workplace concern.” That lacks dignity. You also cannot say, “They draw you in,” because that sounds like a lawsuit wearing Dockers.
What you do is update the dress code. Quietly. Professionally. No names.
Something like: “For the sake of comfort, consistency, and the emotional stability of the team, shorts must fall below whatever is happening there.”
He’ll know.
Everyone will know.
And if he asks whether baggy long shorts are in, say yes with confidence.
Fashion is temporary.
Dignity is covering the joint.
GIF OF THE WEEK
Happy summer kickoff!
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT
As some of you know- I moonlight as a funeral satire writer. My daylighting gig is actually being a Nashville-based Christian music recording artist.
and today I just released a new song! Let’s make this the funeral professions official summer jam. I hope you enjoy it and if you do- shoot me a message on Instagram (@eli_gable_music) and let me know you’re from the FFFW!
Thanks!
CHECK IT OUT HERE
