Director Claims He’s “Embracing Change”; Switches From Blue Pens to Black Pens

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Bayside, Indiana — Staff at Heritage Grove Funeral Home witnessed what leadership is calling “a bold step into the future” this week after Funeral Director Mark Hensley announced he would no longer be using blue pens. Instead, Hensley revealed he has officially switched to black ink, citing a desire to “modernize operations” and “stay ahead of the curve.” Employees confirmed the transition began Monday morning when Hensley walked into the arrangement office holding a fresh pack of black ballpoints like he’d just discovered electricity.

“I’m not afraid of change,” Hensley said, clicking the pen several times for emphasis. “That’s the problem with this profession. Everybody wants to do things the way they’ve always done them. Meanwhile, families are evolving. Technology is evolving. Ink is evolving.” When asked what prompted the shift, Hensley said he noticed the black pens “look more official” and claimed blue ink has “a casual energy” that could “confuse the public about our level of dignity.”

The announcement triggered immediate confusion among staff, many of whom believed the funeral home had bigger issues to address than pen color. “We still have one printer that only works if you tap it like it owes you money,” said office manager Paula Knox. “But yes, Mark has chosen to fight the real battles.” Hensley insisted the change would improve efficiency, stating that black ink “scans cleaner,” “photocopies stronger,” and “feels more committed.” He then walked into the prep room to tell two embalmers, who reportedly nodded politely while continuing to do their job like they were defusing a bomb.

By late afternoon, Hensley sent an email titled CHANGE UPDATE explaining that blue pens were still allowed “in emergencies” and “for personal notes,” but all official documentation should reflect “the new standard.” Witnesses say he ended the message with, “If we want different results, we have to be willing to do different things.” Sources confirm the next big innovation will be moving the stapler “closer to the center of the desk” to streamline workflow and “position the team for growth.”

ASK THE FUNERAL DUDE!

“Hey Funeral Dude, I have one coworker who says ‘just circle back’ and ‘touch base’ about 40 times a day. Is it ethical for me to schedule their own arrangement conference so they can finally circle back to reality?” — Signed, Losing My Will to Live(ly Serve)

Dear Losing My Will to Live(ly Serve),

First, I want to applaud you for noticing the problem before it fully takes hold. A lot of funeral professionals do not realize they are being slowly dissolved by corporate phrases until they wake up one morning, stare into the mirror, and whisper “Let’s circle back” to their own reflection. That is not living. That is an administrative haunting.

Now to your question. Is it ethical to schedule your coworker their own arrangement conference so they can finally circle back to reality?

Ethical? Yes.
Dignified? Potentially.
Legal? Let’s not get distracted.

Here is the professional protocol I recommend, and I am being completely serious.

First, implement the One Circle Back Per Hour Standard. This is not about being rude. This is about structure. The same way we do not let someone place eight framed photos on the register book table because it “feels right.” We guide. We lead. We protect the environment.

Second, require all circles to be submitted in writing. If your coworker wants to circle back, they need to fill out a Circle Back Request Form in black ink with three questions.

What are we circling back to?
Why did we leave it in the first place?
Are we bringing refreshments?

You would be amazed how quickly people stop circling back when there is paperwork involved. This is why paperwork exists. It is not red tape. It is dignity tape.

Third, give them a controlled outlet. I recommend Touch Base Tuesdays. If you deny someone their phrases completely, they will just find new ones. Next thing you know, they are saying “let’s align” and the whole staff gets a rash. Give them one day a week where they can touch base in a safe, supervised environment.

Fourth, when all else fails, respond with dignified confusion. The next time they say “let’s circle back,” you calmly say, “I’m available to proceed forward.”

Or, if you want my personal favorite, you say, “We are currently circling. I would like to arrive.”

This is how you handle it without becoming the villain. You do not argue. You do not mock. You simply introduce standards and enforce them with the calm authority of someone who has watched a DVD player refuse to work ninety seconds before a service.

Remember, real innovation is not new buzzwords. Real innovation is a quiet room, a clear plan, and a staff member who does not say “circle back” so many times that the building begins to spin.

Stay steady. Stay dignified. And if necessary, confiscate their calendar invites.

Respectfully,
The Funeral Dude