Thanksgiving Spectacular | FFFW 259
Y’all, this is the final Friday before Thanksgiving, which means it’s our FFFW Thanksgiving special!! So, let’s start talking politics and overcooking the turkey to get in the right mood.
Here’s my first pondering for the season- do we save all the orange colored foods for Thanksgiving? Pumpkin, sweet potatoes, glazed carrots. I think 95% of the orange colored food I eat a year is just for Thanksgiving. Riddle me that!
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Funeral Home’s “Gravy Fountain” Centerpiece Deemed “Festive but Concerning” by State Inspector
Maple Oaks Funeral Home’s attempt to lean into the season hit a snag this week when their new three tier stainless steel gravy fountain (installed as a Thanksgiving themed chapel centerpiece) prompted both compliments from families and a strongly worded note from the state inspector.
The fountain, which continuously circulates 1.5 gallons of turkey gravy over an arrangement of faux fall leaves and votive candles, debuted at Monday’s visitation. Families described it as “oddly comforting” and “like Golden Corral for grief.” The state inspector, however, reportedly called it “the first time I’ve ever had to ask if meat drippings are part of the decor or a spill.”
“It’s hospitality,” said funeral director Trent Morrow, gesturing proudly to the softly burbling stream of gravy flowing beside the register stand. “People bring casseroles, pies, Aunt Linda’s questionable Jell O salad. We just thought, why not provide the one thing everyone wishes they had more of: gravy? It’s about service.”
Prep room manager Paula, who has spent the week mopping, was less enthusiastic. “I walked out of the prep room and thought someone had embalmed a turkey,” she said. “We’ve got toddlers double fisting dinner rolls, adults trying to just get a little more on this side, and a carpet that now has a permanent au jus sheen. The slip hazards alone are a sermon illustration.”
The state inspector’s report allegedly listed the fountain under “Miscellaneous Concerns,” including:
- Open, communal meat based liquid source within 10 feet of the casket
- Repeated contact between ladles and mourners’ emotional support mashed potatoes
- Unclear if this is a buffet accessory or ritual object
Morrow insists they are in full compliance. “There’s a sneeze guard,” he said. “We even warmed the gravy to comfort food temp, not bacterial playground temp. This is no different than having coffee and cookies, just more courageous.”
Opinions among staff are split. One funeral assistant reported receiving a heartfelt thank you from a widower who said, “Honestly, this is exactly what she would’ve wanted. She loved two things: her family and extra gravy.” Another staff member claimed a family tried to dip a dinner roll directly into the cascade during the committal prayer.
After the inspection, Maple Oaks agreed to move the fountain from the front of the chapel to the multipurpose room, where it now shares space with the urn display and a Keurig. The compromise has done little to quiet debate.
“Look, if they tell us it is out, we will pivot,” Morrow said. “We have concepts ready for a Pumpkin Spice Memory Fog Machine and a Thankfulness Charcuterie of Life board. But I’ll tell you this. For three glorious days, we were the only funeral home in the state where you could pay respects and top off your mashed potatoes without breaking stride. If that is wrong, I do not want to be right.”
Ask the Funeral Dude!
Question:
“Hey Funeral Dude, I’ve gotten the first call for 3 out of 5 of the past Thanksgivings. My kids are SUPER young. How do I enjoy family time while knowing Mr.Johnson may be eating his last turkey leg and needing my help for eternal departure at any moment?” -Mr.awayfortheholidays
Answer:
Yeah, the age-old work-life balance. This is a tricky one. But the solution can be found, see A.I. is getting really good. So, I would invite your families to record as many videos as possible while you’re gone. Then wait about two years, and there should be easy technology for you to insert yourself in that video with AI. So sure you’ll miss it for a moment, but when your kids and grandkids look at it, it’ll be like you never left. Shoot, make it really magical- add in your favorite celebrities.
“Hey, kids, you remember the Thanksgiving where Theo Von came over to pass the old pigskin around?”
They won’t know the difference. And if you’ll just fry your brain with formaldehyde, constant doom-scrolling, and terrible sleeping habits, you might start to believe them yourselves.
So yeah, just take the call and get the cameras rolling!
Remember- when you don’t know what to do- ask the funeral dude.
EXPLODING TURKEYS!
One of my favorite hobbies every Thanksgiving is watching fire departments make miniature bombs by throwing frozen turkeys into deep fryers. So, per tradition- I’m showing one of my favorites to you! Happy Thanksgiving!
