Christmas Music Before Thanksgiving? | FFFW 258

We are halfway through one of THE greatest months of the year. I’m personally already getting into the Christmas spirit. The house is decorated, the songs are being played, and a possessed Elf on the Shelf named Chugs has worked its way into my home somehow.

So I’m loving all of it except for that.

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Funeral Home Staff Divided Over Pre-Thanksgiving Christmas Music, Morale Drops to “Silent Night” Levels

What started as a simple Spotify shuffle in the funeral home office has escalated into a full-scale seasonal cold war. On November 7, receptionist Kelsey quietly switched the lobby playlist from “Relaxing Piano” to “Holiday Favorites,” and by the first chorus of All I Want for Christmas Is You, the building had split into two factions: Team Festive and Team “It’s Still Fall, You Monsters.”

“I just think it helps families feel a little warmth,” said Kelsey, turning the volume up one notch every time someone walked through the door. “It’s comforting. It’s nostalgic. Also, if I have to listen to that same instrumental hymn playlist for one more eight-hour shift, I will personally climb into the casket display.”

Not everyone agreed. “We haven’t even ordered the turkeys for the staff potluck,” grumbled lead funeral director Mark, who believes any jingle bells before Thanksgiving are “an act of aggression.” Mark has taken to dramatically changing the music back to “Peaceful Acoustic” and announcing, “We are a Thanksgiving-first establishment,” as if issuing a policy update from corporate.

The conflict has since spread beyond the Bluetooth speaker. One removal tech started keeping a running tally on the whiteboard: “Days We’ve Gone Without Mariah Carey: 0.” An arranger tried to compromise with “non-lyrical winter jazz,” but both sides rejected it as “toothless” and “music they’d play while putting a mall Santa in state.”

Ownership has so far refused to take an official stance. “As long as the families are served and the phones get answered, I don’t care if you play Christmas carols or whale sounds,” said the owner. “But if one more person emails me a link to an article about ‘the psychological impact of premature holiday music,’ I’m unplugging the router and we’re going back to CDs.”

For now, the uneasy truce is simple: no Christmas music in the lobby until after Thanksgiving, but the back office is considered international waters. As of this morning, you can walk down the hall and hear “Great Is Thy Faithfulness” lightly blending into “Feliz Navidad” behind a closed door—proof that in funeral service, coexistence is possible, even if it’s in two different playlists.

Ask the Funeral Dude!

Question:
“Hey Funeral Dude, is there a polite script for telling a pastor, ‘Your sermon is now longer than the deceased’s entire lifespan,’ or do we just keep resetting the chapel lights until they get the hint?” -Mr.Ain’tgotenoughtimeforthat

Answer:
Great question. You really need to ask about the pastors denomination before the service starts. If they are Pentecostal, you may need to stage a fire drill to get the sermon to end on time, if they are Baptist, you need to tell them the food will be cold if they go too long, and if they’re non-denominational, tell them that there’s a great sale on LED stage lights at the time you want them to end. Each of these will cause a service to move along appropriately.

Remember- when you don’t know what to do- ask the funeral dude.

Trivia

Choose the correct answer and you’ll see a puppy. Get it wrong and you’ll see someone hurting themselves.

How much did Michael Jackson’s solid bronze, velvet-lined casket reportedly cost?

A. $10,000
B. $30,000
C. $50,000