Vending Machine Pre-Need | FFFW 250

Hey guys, not gonna beat around the bush- it’s been a heavy week. But, the FFFW has always existed to be a little break from the world, and give you a few laughs to head into the weekend. That doesn’t change today. So, from here till you’re done scrolling through, we’re gonna focus on the lighter side and do our typical FFFW thing.

So without further ado, here’s a GIF of a donkey to kick things off.

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Funeral Home Breakroom Vending Machine Now Accepts Pre-Need Payment Plans

SPRINGFIELD, IL — In a move hailed as both “innovative” and “deeply concerning,” Everpeace Funeral Home announced Thursday that its breakroom vending machine now accepts pre-need payment plans.

Employees discovered the change after attempting to buy a Snickers bar, only to be asked if they’d like to spread the $1.75 charge over 36 months. “It was weird,” said embalmer Denise Carter. “I just wanted a Diet Coke, and suddenly I was signing a payment schedule that outlasts my car lease.”

Funeral director Mark Wilson defended the upgrade. “It’s about convenience. Our families already finance caskets and services—why shouldn’t staff be able to finance a bag of Funyuns? Death may be inevitable, but paying in full doesn’t have to be.”

The machine, which now comes with a small mahogany podium and a laminated contract, reportedly offers “gold” and “platinum” snack packages. Sources confirm that one intern, hoping to save money, accidentally locked himself into a pre-need plan guaranteeing one Twix a year until 2055.

At press time, the machine had been repossessed mid-transaction after an employee failed to make his second Skittles payment.

Trivia

Choose the correct answer and you’ll see a puppy. Get it wrong and you’ll see someone hurting themselves.

If you lined up every cemetery in the United States side by side, about how much total land area would they cover?

A) Roughly the size of New York City

B) Roughly the size of Rhode Island

C) Roughly the size of Yellowstone National Park