How Many M&M's Would it Take to Fill a Casket? | FFFW 186

DISCLAIMER: None of the F’s in FFFW stand for “facts.” Enjoy the jokes and satire.

Welcome to May!!!! We’ve MAYde it to the unofficially official “perfect months” of the year. This group of months includes May-July, September, October, and the first two weeks of November. August is a sauna, and November-April is all just kinda wild.

So, let’s celebrate with a GIF of a dryer bouncing on a trampoline.

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Best Candy for Funeral Professionals

I will admit it- I love candy. As I was thinking about this article my mouth began salivating and on three occasions during this process I’ve hopped on Amazon to see if there were any good deals. BUT, not all candy is created equal. It’s not all made for the same situations and moments.

For example, Snickers are made for meal replacement. Look at the commercials, you have star athletics unwrapping this chocolatey goodness and then seemingly running marathons and winning basketball games.

On the other hand, Nerds are designed for a quick little mouth break. You know? They’re perfect for the times when you’re just tired of tasting your tongue and need a little pop of flavor. They won’t sustain you or leave any lasting effects on your day, but in that moment- they’re what you need.

So, what’s the best candy for funeral professionals?

Well, let’s take a look at what aspects it needs.

1) It needs to be clean. You can’t risk it changing the color of your tongue, or leaving little crumbs all over your attire. So, this eliminates suckers, Airheads, Sprees, and Butterfingers (which are sold basically brittle and broken).

2) It needs to provide SOME sustenance. So along with Nerds, this eliminates Whoppers, Kit-Kats, Original Reese’s Cups, plain Hershey bars, Mentos, Twix, and Three Musketeers.

3) It can’t fill you up TOO much. That’s not the purpose of a candy. If you’re treating candy as a way to fight hunger and provide energy, you’re abusing the original intent of candy. It’s a treat, it’s a little experience for your body to get you through BETWEEN meals. So, with this in mind, we must eliminate the Snickers, Takes 5’s, Baby Ruth, and Paydays.

So in my head, we’re down to three viable contenders. The Milky Way, Reese’s Fast Break, and Specialty M&Ms (any type with a center).

Tell me I’m wrong. You can’t. So, go out today, hit up a gas station, and treat yourself to an FFFW-approved funeral professional-grade candy.