New Cremator Installed; Owner Somehow More Excited Than When Grandkids Were Born | FFFW 273
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New Cremator Installed; Owner Somehow More Excited Than When Grandkids Were Born
Middleson, Indiana — Staff at Heritage Oaks Funeral Home confirmed this week that owner Dennis Hargrave has reached a level of excitement previously believed to be impossible, following the installation of a brand-new cremator in the building’s rear operations area.
Witnesses say Hargrave arrived before sunrise on Monday in a collared shirt, jeans, and the kind of expression usually reserved for men about to unveil a bass boat, classic car, or needlessly expensive grill. As the delivery team backed the equipment into place, Dennis reportedly stood nearby with his hands on his hips, occasionally muttering things like, “Would you just look at that,” and, “Now that is craftsmanship.”
“It was honestly one of the most emotional moments I’ve seen from him,” said one staff member. “When his daughter had her first baby, he smiled, said ‘that’s great news,’ and went back to answering emails. But with this cremator? He’s been glowing. He brought in three different people from the office just to admire the finish on it.”
According to employees, Dennis has spent the better part of the week finding fresh excuses to walk people past the machine.
“At one point he told me he needed help carrying a folder to the back,” said funeral director Mark Ellison. “There was no folder. He just wanted to stand there next to it and say, ‘Now this… this is gonna save us some steps.’ Then he lightly patted the side of it like it was a horse.”
Sources say Hargrave has already referred to the cremator as “a real beauty,” “the future of this firm,” and “the best thing to happen to this building since we got rid of that old Coke machine that kept eating dollar bills.”
The excitement has reportedly confused several newer employees, who assumed the machine was simply an operational upgrade and not, as Dennis seems to view it, the crowning achievement of his professional life.
“I made the mistake of asking one question,” said office manager Lynn Porter. “That turned into a 25-minute presentation on airflow, efficiency, controls, and something about refractory brick. He was talking about it like he’d personally designed the thing in a cave with his bare hands.”
By Wednesday, staff say Dennis had started casually mentioning the cremator in unrelated conversations.
“We were in a meeting about PTO requests and he somehow worked in, ‘Well, now that we’ve got the new unit installed…’” Porter said. “Installed where, Dennis? Installed in your heart?”
At press time, Dennis was last seen standing in the doorway to the crematory with a cup of coffee, waiting for someone innocent enough to make eye contact and accidentally get the tour.
ASK THE FUNERAL DUDE!
“Hey Funeral Dude, can a break room pool still be considered team bonding if half the staff is no longer speaking after Round 1?” -Mr.ItsGettingRough
Mr. ItsGettingRough, this is exactly why bracket pools must be handled with professionalism, restraint, and above all, dignity.
What begins as “a little fun” can quickly become open division. Suddenly your office manager is accusing the arranger of “knowing nothing about ball,” your removal staff is muttering about a stolen sleeper pick, and the one employee who picked entirely based on mascot vibes is somehow in first place and carrying themselves with an attitude that does not reflect the solemn standards of our profession.
So yes, it is still team bonding. It is just the kind of team bonding that reveals character.
My recommendation is to let the tension run its course. Do not overreact. Do not shut the pool down. That only creates martyrs. Instead, restore order by reminding everyone that in a funeral home, just like in March Madness, there will be heartbreak, confusion, and at least one person acting irrationally over something they cannot control.
This is a chance to lead.
I would gather the staff, speak calmly, and say, “We may not all have picked the same Final Four, but we are still one team. A dignified team. A team that will not let a twelve-seed upset destroy the culture of this workplace.”
Will they respect that speech? Probably not. But you must say it anyway.
And next year, I strongly encourage a prize that is symbolic rather than financial. Nothing tears apart a staff faster than money, competition, and one receptionist who has suddenly become insufferable because she “just had a feeling” about Creighton.
You Otter Be Proud
Here’s some good news going on in the profession.
- This Milford nonprofit helps families with high funeral costs
- People Magazine Covers Funeral Profession Story
- Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones
