Hack-Proof System Announced; Password Now Meets Requirements and Still Gets Written on a Post-It | FFFW 267

Welcome to February! Can you believe we’re already into month 2 of 2026? I can already tell this year is going to fly by. And we want to help with that. You know, “time flies when you’re having fun.” So, we’re hoping to speed up time as you read through some funeral home satire and Gify goodness. Let’s roll!

Also- it’s issue 2 6-7 (insert hand motion)

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Hack-Proof System Announced; Password Now Meets Requirements and Still Gets Written on a Post-It

Seresota, Florida — Remembrance Funeral Homes announced this week that it has officially entered a “new era of cybersecurity,” after completing a mandatory training video and updating all staff passwords to meet modern requirements. The system is now considered “hack-proof,” according to management, because every password contains at least one capital letter, one number, and one character that makes it slightly harder to type while someone is standing behind you waiting for you to log in.

“We are taking this seriously,” said office manager Paula Knox, holding a printed sheet titled Cybersecurity Best Practices (FINAL) (2). “We are not like other businesses. We deal with sensitive information. We deal with dignity.” Staff confirmed the rollout began at 8:12 a.m., immediately after someone clicked “Remind me later” for the ninth consecutive day and the computer finally stopped asking nicely.

The new policy also includes a strict prohibition against writing passwords down, which is why, within minutes, the entire office had adopted a standardized, highly discreet solution. Several employees wrote their new “secure” passwords on Post-It notes and placed them in carefully concealed locations such as under the keyboard, on the underside of the monitor, inside the top desk drawer labeled “NOT PASSWORDS,” and directly on the phone base for convenience.

“It’s not written down,” insisted funeral director Mark Dobbins, gesturing at a Post-It that clearly read “Password2026!” in thick black ink. “It’s a reminder. There’s a difference. Plus, I’m not getting locked out again. Last time IT made me change it, I lost forty-five minutes of my life and at least twelve years of my dignity.”

At press time, the funeral home confirmed Phase Two of the cybersecurity initiative is already underway, in which the Post-It notes will be moved to “even safer” locations after a scheduled walk-through by the owner, who reportedly keeps his own password in his wallet behind his driver’s license “so nobody would ever think to look there.”

ASK THE FUNERAL DUDE!

“Hey Funeral Dude, how do I stop coworkers from saying ‘living the dream’ every single morning?” – Mr. sickofit

Mr. Sickofit,

First of all, I want to commend you for noticing the problem. Most people in this profession hear “living the dream” and just accept it as part of the furniture, like the fern in the lobby or the one pens cup that’s been empty since 2019.

Here’s what’s happening. “Living the dream” is not a statement. It’s a coping mechanism. It’s what someone says when they’ve been awake since 4:30 a.m., they’ve already had three emotional conversations, and they’re trying to convince their soul it still works here. You can’t fight it head on or you’ll only make it stronger.

So you have two options.

Option one is to out-professional them. Every time someone says “living the dream,” respond calmly with “Which one” and then stare at them like you’re taking notes for a continuing education class. Make it uncomfortable. Make them explain the dream out loud. No one wants to say “the dream is answering the phone while I’m already answering the phone” with their whole chest at 8:07 a.m. You will see it start to fade within a week.

Option two is to replace it with something worse. People don’t stop saying a phrase because you asked nicely. They stop because the phrase becomes associated with shame. Start saying “Thriving in excellence” or “Operating in greatness” with a straight face. Say it loudly. Say it to families. Say it in the hallway. Your coworkers will be so terrified you’re serious that “living the dream” will suddenly feel tasteful and they’ll quit saying anything at all.

Either way, stay dignified, stay consistent, and remember: if you can’t stop them from saying it, at least make them regret saying it around you.

Respectfully,
Funeral Dude