"I Don't Wanna Make Toys, I Wanna Make Arrangements" Says Elf | FFFW 261

Christmas is so close! We are less than two weeks away. The timing of Christmas always feels odd, right? Like, most of the year it feels so far away- but then around September you think “it’s right around the corner” and then a couple weeks go by, and you’re like “nah, this still feels pretty far away.” And then you blink, and it’s Thanksgiving, and then you go to bed, and you wake up, and it’s Christmas. It’s always too far away, or coming too soon. Maybe that’s true of all great things.

DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS: 13
DAYS TIL NEW YEAR’S: 20
DAYS TIL THE BIG GAME: 58

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Elf Tells Santa “I Don’t Want to Make Dolls, I Want to Make Arrangements”

Earlier this week, Jibbles announced that he didn’t want to make toys anymore. Instead, he wants to be a funeral director.

“We can’t pretend that death doesn’t happen anymore,” Jibbles said, standing in the breakroom like it was an arrangement office. “I have no clue what we’ve been doing with the bodies. We have 10,000 elves here at the plant. Even though we live a long time, we don’t actually live forever. Somebody needs a plan that is not ‘just keep smiling and add more tinsel.’”

According to sources, Jibbles arrived the next morning wearing a black suit and a name badge that said “Family Care Specialist,” despite nobody giving it to him. He reportedly set up a little table outside Santa’s office with a stack of General Price Lists, a laminated merchandise catalog, and a sign that read, “Two minutes with Jibbles can save your family thirty minutes of awkward guessing later.” When asked where he got the casket book, Jibbles said, “If you can order 80,000 drones in one night, you can order one tasteful selection of oak.”

Santa attempted to shut the whole thing down by insisting, “We do celebrations of life here, not funerals,” but Jibbles countered that that was exactly his point. “We already do the visitation,” he said. “Everyone lines up. They cry. They tell stories. Somebody gets too close to the cookie tray and has to be redirected. The only difference is we call it ‘Christmas Eve’ instead of ‘Wednesday from 4 to 7.’”

Mrs. Claus, who staff confirm quietly runs the North Pole like an office manager with a candy cane in her hair, was less amused. “If he says the words ‘pre need’ one more time in my hallway, I’m locking the copier,” she said. “Also, he keeps telling people he can ‘get them on the schedule’ like he has access to my calendar. He does not.”

At press time, Jibbles had been assigned to “seasonal reception” as a compromise, answering calls with, “North Pole, this is Jibbles, I’m sorry for your loss, how may I help?” before transferring every caller to Santa’s personal line “because the owner should really be the one doing arrangements.” Santa was last seen staring at the phone and whispering, “We said it was quiet. We said it out loud.”

Ask the Funeral Dude!

Question:
Hey Funeral Dude,

My owner keeps telling me to “just be more approachable,” so I smiled at a family during arrangements and now they think I’m their new best friend. They’re texting me updates like I’m the grief group chat leader. How do I be kind without accidentally becoming part of the family Christmas card shoot list?

Signed,
Too Friendly, Too Fast

Answer:
Yes, this is the classic, “I’m they’re best friend- they are not my best friend” scenario. It’s a tuffy to get out of- but by following the next steps, you can make it happen.

1) Wait a LONG time to respond to messages. This starts to convey the idea.

2) Tell them you’re going to rehab. This will buy you at least six weeks of peace.
3) If those two don’t give you enough distance, accidentally call them the wrong name. This will be extremely disrespectful, but you can play it off with “Oh, I’m just close to so many families. This happens.”

That’ll make them realize you have stuff to do.

And remember- anytime you don’t know what to do- reach out to the funeral dude.