FUNERAL HOME GROUP CHAT EXPOSED | FFFW 253

I’ve been crushing everything pumpkin and pumpkin spice. I know it’s a little early for it, but I’ve always been a fan of “the early bird gets the worm.” In this case, I’m the bird, and the worm is all the pumpkin goodness being offered up at every store and restaurant. See, I’m new to the game- I grew up a pumpkin hater. Now I’ve been converted and I’m making the most of it.

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Funeral Home Staff Group Text Officially Declared ‘Evidence Exhibit A’ in HR Investigation

MAPLE RIDGE, OH — What began as a casual text about Friday’s lunch order has now escalated into a full-scale HR investigation, as the Remembrance Ridge Funeral Home Staff Group Chat was officially entered into evidence this week.

Every single employee except HR and the owner was part of the chat — a digital ecosystem where gallows humor, venting, and logistical chaos coexisted in what one staffer called “a sacred space.”

“It started out for work stuff,” said office manager Paula Knox. “Coordinating flower deliveries, late arrivals, that kind of thing. Then someone sent a meme. Then came the gossip. Then came the chaos. At one point we were solving scheduling issues, planning a baby shower, and staging a full-scale emotional breakdown in the same thread. That’s not toxic — that’s community.”

The chat, originally titled “Team Vibes 💀☕”, was later renamed “Don’t Show Denise (Seriously)” — a name investigators have since described as “unhelpfully transparent.”

The downfall reportedly began when embalmer Greg Thomas roasted co-worker Brian Ellis for his “inspirational quote emails.” In retaliation, Ellis allegedly forwarded the chat to HR “to clear the air,” though multiple staff members insist he was just mad someone finally told him to stop signing messages with “Best in Eternal Rest.”

“Brian’s the kind of guy who can dish it out, but the moment someone calls him ‘The Pre-Need Poet,’ suddenly we’ve got an ethics meeting,” said Knox.

When asked to comment, Thomas defended the chat’s content. “Hey, I think you’re trying really hard not to see how funny this is,” he said. “Like objectively, this is good material. There’s structure. There’s heart. There’s one-liners that could headline a CE conference.”

HR representative Denise Warren — one of only two employees not in the group — confirmed she’s “reviewing messages line by line,” but admitted she “had to take a break around the part where they renamed the Keurig ‘The Eternal Flame.’”As of press time, the staff had already launched a new chat titled “This Never Happened 2.0”, which participants describe as “strictly work-related,” though the pinned message reportedly reads: “If you screenshot, you’re dead to us — literally.”

Trivia

Choose the correct answer and you’ll see a puppy. Get it wrong and you’ll see someone hurting themselves.

If you lined up every hearse in active service across the U.S. bumper-to-bumper, about how far would the line stretch?

A. 75 miles
B. 150 miles
C. 300 miles