The Funeral Olympics??? | FFFW 200 | Connecting Directors

DISCLAIMER: None of the F’s in FFFW stand for “facts.” Enjoy the jokes and satire.

Welcome to issue 200 of the FFFW! I can’t believe it- we’ve done this thing 200 times. And for some reason- you keep on reading. Well, it only seems appropriate that this issue be extra special- so not only is it our 200th issue, but it’s also the OLYMPIC SPECIAL!

Let’s go for gold!

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Olympic Events That Funeral Directors Would Dominate

The Olympics are all about celebrating the world’s greatest talents. But what if we broadened the scope a bit? If there were Olympic events designed for funeral directors, we know exactly who would be standing on the podium. Here are three events where funeral directors would take home the gold.

1. The Casket Lift

Weightlifting? Please. Funeral directors are the real champions of heavy lifting. The Casket Lift isn’t just about brute strength; it’s about finesse and precision. Competitors must smoothly lift and carry a casket, maneuvering through tight spaces without so much as a wobble. Extra points are awarded for style—think synchronized pallbearer movements and flawless coordination. In the world of funeral service, there’s no room for dropping the ball… or the casket.

2. The Limo Parallel Parking Challenge

Parallel parking a limo isn’t for the faint of heart. But for funeral directors, it’s just another day at the office. This event tests their ability to glide a stretch limousine into the tightest of spots, all while maintaining the dignity of the procession behind them. Judges look for precision, smooth execution, and not a single flower out of place. It’s an art form, really—a ballet of brake pedals and steering wheels.

3. The Obituary Scribe Sprint

Crafting the perfect obituary under pressure? That’s an Olympic-level skill. In this event, funeral directors must channel their inner journalist, poet, and editor all at once. The goal: capture a life’s story in just a few paragraphs before the evening deadline. Competitors are judged on accuracy, creativity, and the ability to tug at heartstrings without breaking a sweat. Typos? Zero tolerance. This sprint is all about speed and sensitivity—a true test of mind over matter.

In these Olympic games, funeral directors prove they’ve got what it takes to be champions—not just in their profession, but on the world stage. So here’s to the unsung heroes who would undoubtedly take home the gold!

Trivia

Katie Ledecky absolutely dominated in the pool this year. And her name is very fun to say! So in honor of her- here’s a water-related question…

What was the first state to legalize Aquacremation?

Click on the right answer, and you’ll see a bald eagle. Get it wrong, and you’ll see an Olympic fail.
A) Minnesota
B) Ohio
C) Montana