Caskets Aren't Even Safe Today... | FFFW 166

DISCLAIMER: None of the F’s in FFFW stand for “facts.” Enjoy the satire.

The next time we meet it’ll be Christmas Eve Eve Eve. Just as important, it’ll be Festivus Eve! So here’s the dilemma. Here at the FFFW, we celebrate both Festivus AND Christmas … aaaaand the next issue would be the perfect date for both specials. But, when life gives you a dilemma, you make Da-lemonade. So here’s what we’re doing. This week we’re celebrating Festivus and next week we’ll be doing our Christmas BASH!
So, without any further adieu, let the grievances begin (and yes, we’re coming after the caskets, as our title says).

Fridays left til Christmas: 1

HISTORY LESSON- What is Festivus?

Festivus is a secular holiday, originally created by author Daniel O’Keefe and made popular by the television show “Seinfeld.” Celebrated on December 23, it serves as an alternative to the pressures and commercialism of the Christmas holiday season. Key elements of Festivus include:

Festivus Pole: A plain aluminum pole, which stands in contrast to traditional, highly-decorated Christmas trees.
Airing of Grievances: During the Festivus meal, participants are encouraged to tell others how they have disappointed them over the past year.
Feats of Strength: The celebration is not considered over until the head of the household is wrestled to the floor and pinned.
Festivus Dinner: A meal, typically with family and friends, is an important part of the celebration.
Festivus Miracles: These are usually ordinary, everyday events which are humorously declared to be “miracles.”

In our own FFFW way, we’re going to try to hit all 5 tenets.

First off, the pole!

You’re Already Ahead with Homesteaders

Christmas came early for funeral homes who write business with Homesteaders. The preneed leader just announced a 60 basis point increase on new business, effective January 15. It’s one of the industry’s highest growth rate increases. Learn more.

Airing of Grievances

Okay- I love the funeral profession but I have some real issues with you people. Now’s the time to get them off of my chest.

Hey grief dogs – Why are you all golden doodles? I know everyone thinks you’re the perfect breed, but I think you would benefit from a trip to the personality store. Y’all are carbon copy versions of each other; it’s just weird. Woof.

Hey hearses – How does it feel to only be good at one thing? All other vehicles have multiple purposes and can be used in several different situations. You’re only good at two things: 1) being a tax write-off every ten years and 2) hauling the deceased. How do you live with yourself?

Hey caskets – You think you’re cool? Well, you’re not. IN FACT, you’re so uncool that even though you’re the most used box for burial, everyone still calls you a coffin. HA! How does it feel to live in the shadows of your ancient relatives? How do you live like that???

Feats of Strength

You have two options in front of you. One will lead you to a GIF of a hearse. The other will lead you to a GIF of a trash can. If you get the hearse, you win; you’ve overpowered me. If not then you’ve lost and I’ve overpowered you.

OPTION ONE
OPTION TWO

And here’s our dinner!!!