Funeral Home Keurig Finally Retires | FFFW 241
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Funeral Home Keurig Finally Retires After Brewing 11,000 Cups and Seeing Too Much
FINDLAY, OH — After nearly a decade of loyal service and 11,000 cups of “whatever was on sale at Sam’s Club,” the Keurig machine in the breakroom of Wilkins & Sons Funeral Home has officially been retired. Staff say the decision was long overdue, as the machine had started making “haunted noises” and visibly shaking anytime someone selected French Roast.
“It just wasn’t the same after the crematory guy tried to run instant oatmeal through it,” said front desk coordinator Cheryl Nunez. “You could taste the trauma.”
The Keurig, affectionately referred to by staff as “Old Drip,” was first installed in 2015 and has been silently observing everything from tense family meetings to awkward intern interviews. Sources say the machine once overheard an entire family dispute about urn colors and hasn’t frothed correctly since.
“It brewed through COVID. It brewed through double-booked services. It brewed through the time the embalmer brought his new date to the holiday potluck,” said funeral director Pete Wilkins. “Frankly, it’s seen more than most therapists.”
Though many had grown attached, the funeral home made the tough call after the machine started displaying cryptic messages like “HELP ME” and “TOO MANY TEARS” on its digital screen.
It will be replaced by a newer model with Bluetooth connectivity, recyclable pods, and no emotional baggage.
A quiet, pre-dawn unplugging ceremony was held Thursday morning. Staff left a single powdered creamer on top as a tribute.
“We’ll miss the way it screamed during brew cycle,” said Cheryl, holding back a tear. “It sounded… like us.”
Trivia
Choose the correct answer and you’ll see a puppy. Get it wrong and you’ll see someone hurting themselves.
How many standard adult caskets could you theoretically fit inside the Louisiana Superdome?
You Otter Be Proud
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