Welcome to the FFFW! Normally “FFFW” stands for “FRIDAY FUNERAL FAST WRAP,” but today it stands for the “Frightning Freaky Fall halloWEEN special.” It mights total sense. That’s right, we’ve reached the fakest holiday of the holiday season, and though it’s not my favorite- it’s here, and we’re gonna have a good time with it.
According to a quick Google search, Americans are expected to spend $13.5 BILLION on Halloween festivities this year. Also, I found that nearly HALF of Americans are scared to talk about death, funerals, and end-of-life.
Fascinating, maybe y’all should start selling tickets to your lunch-and-learns. People seem to love being scared as long as they’re paying for it.
HOLIDAY TRACKER
0 Fridays until Halloween
3 Fridays until Thanksgiving
7 Fridays until Christmas
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Funeral Director Spends Halloween Night Explaining to Trick-or-Treaters That Coffins and Caskets Are Not the Same Thing
FAIRFIELD, OH — What began as a festive evening of costumes, candy, and childhood memories quickly turned into an educational seminar on funeral merchandise after local funeral director Gary Henderson decided Halloween was the perfect opportunity to address one of the profession’s most persistent misconceptions.
“It started when a little boy dressed as Dracula came up to my porch and said, ‘Trick or treat! I sleep in a casket!'” Henderson explained. “Well, obviously, I couldn’t just let that slide.”
According to witnesses, Henderson immediately set down his bowl of Snickers and began explaining the structural differences between coffins and caskets.
“Six sides versus four. Tapered versus rectangular. These are important distinctions,” Henderson said. “I asked the young man if he’d ever seen a Dracula movie where the vampire slept in a rectangular casket. He said no. Exactly. Case closed.”
Unfortunately, the boy was only six years old and began crying approximately four minutes into the presentation.
By 7:30 p.m., Henderson had moved a folding table onto his front lawn, complete with diagrams, informational brochures, and a PowerPoint presentation titled Know Before You Go: A Comprehensive Guide to Burial Containers.
Several parents reportedly attempted to intervene, but Henderson insisted the children were “asking excellent questions,” despite none of them having asked any questions.
“One little girl dressed as a princess asked if she could have a Kit Kat,” said neighbor Linda Thompson. “Gary told her he’d be happy to discuss her options once she understood the difference between a half-couch and a full-couch casket.”
Things escalated around 8:15 p.m. when Henderson began asking children dressed as skeletons whether their costumes represented an anatomically accurate adult human.
At press time, Henderson was reportedly preparing a follow-up presentation for Thanksgiving titled Cremation Is Not a Type of Burial, and Other Things Your Family Needs to Understand.
The neighborhood HOA has since voted unanimously to stop inviting him to community events.
ASK THE FUNERAL DUDE!
Dear Funeral Dude, when can I start putting up Christmas decorations? – Festively Impatient
Dear Festively Impatient,
Christmas decorating is a delicate process that must be handled with the same care, precision, and dignity as a funeral procession.
In early November, a little greenery is acceptable. Perhaps a wreath. Some tasteful white lights. Nothing that would cause a passerby to suspect you’re celebrating anything.
After Thanksgiving, you may introduce the Christmas tree. Ornaments should be hung with care, and under no circumstances should the tree be described as “lit.”
During the first week of December, candy canes may be introduced, followed by stockings and other festive accessories.
By December 15th, you may display a Santa Claus, provided he is standing upright, properly dressed, and conducting himself with dignity.
And on Christmas Eve, you may finally turn on the inflatable decorations.
Just kidding. There is no dignified time for a 12-foot snowman to be flailing around on your lawn. Haha, I reallycrack myself up sometimes.
With the utmost dignity,
The Funeral Dude
