Staff Pull Easter Bunny Suit from Storage, Discover It Has Somehow Gotten Worse

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Funeral broadcast delivers crystal-clear chair creaks

In what experts are calling “common—but entirely preventable,” a Boston-area funeral director successfully live streamed every chair creak, back-row whisper, heartfelt sniffle, and program shuffle to over 50 online guests yesterday… leaving the eulogy nearly inaudible.

Witnesses reported early optimism when the broadcast went live on the obituary page, but soon found themselves turning up the volume and straining to hear tributes to dear Al B. Heard.

Sound familiar?

Tip #1: Discover the simple fix:
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Staff Pull Easter Bunny Suit from Storage, Discover It Has Somehow Gotten Worse

Pine Hollow, Indiana — Staff at Meadowbrook Funeral Home opened the tote containing their annual Easter Bunny costume this week and were immediately reminded why they only look at it once a year.

The suit, used for the funeral home’s community Easter event, had reportedly spent the last eleven months in storage somehow becoming older, sadder, and more intense. Employees say the fur had yellowed, one ear no longer stood up, and the face now carried what one staff member described as “a level of awareness no bunny should have.”

“It’s not that it’s dirty,” said office manager Linda Graves. “It just looks like it knows things.”

Despite several concerns and one very strong suggestion to cancel the photo booth entirely, the funeral home confirmed the costume would still be used for Saturday’s event because “the kids don’t care” and “we already bought the candy.”

At publication time, one employee had been selected to wear the suit, and was said to be accepting the assignment with the quiet resignation usually reserved for very long visitations.

Ask the Funeral Dude!

Question:
“Hey Funeral Dude, how long am I required to keep a bowl of jelly beans in the lobby before it becomes a hygiene issue?” -Mr.BeanCounter

Answer:
Mr.BeanCounter, this is an excellent question because somewhere between “festive touch” and “open-air hand candy experiment,” a line does exist.

My professional recommendation is this: once the jelly beans start clumping together, attracting the attention of toddlers, or looking like they’ve survived multiple visitations, your window has closed. Dignity has left the building.

In most funeral homes, that bowl has about 48 strong hours before it stops saying “welcome” and starts saying “good luck.” After that, every handful becomes a gamble. You don’t know who touched them, how many times they’ve been stirred, or why the black ones are somehow always the last to go.

A dignified funeral director knows when to refresh the bowl. An innovative funeral director knows to put out just enough that it gets emptied before it gets suspicious. That is what we in the profession call seasonal excellence.