Owner Buys New Scheduling Software; Staff Continues Using the Same Sticky Note

We made it to our first issue of 2026! This is now our 6th calendar year of writing this silly funeral satire article week after week. But, I’m hoping and praying that this will be a great 12 months for all of us in the profession. Here’s to another 365 days of taking care of families, driving hearses, and looking good while you do it.

We only get 2026 once- let’s make the most of it!

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GREENWOOD, IN — Hoping to “start 2026 the right way,” funeral home owner Mark Hensley rolled out brand-new scheduling software on Monday. It came with tutorials, integrations, and a customer success rep named Kelsey who sounded genuinely excited to be here.

By mid-morning, the staff had gone back to the same pale-yellow sticky note stuck to the front desk monitor. It’s been there for years. It has names, times, arrows, and at least one mystery abbreviation nobody remembers writing. If you stare at it long enough, you can usually tell what the day is going to do to you.

“The software is fine,” said arranger Tina Wallace, after clicking around for a bit and then minimizing it like she was closing a pop-up ad. “It’s just… the sticky note doesn’t log me out. And it doesn’t crash. And it doesn’t make me pick from six options when all I’m trying to do is write ‘2:00 – family.’”

Staff said the new system wants everything categorized and tracked with drop-down menus and checkboxes. The sticky note wants one thing: a pen. It updates instantly. It doesn’t care if the time changed three times. It doesn’t judge your handwriting. If something gets weird, you just draw another arrow and move on with your life.

Hensley insisted the software will be a “game changer” once everyone commits to it. Then he glanced at the sticky note, grabbed a pen, and added “CALL BACK??” under a name that was already circled twice. Asked when the team would fully switch over, he nodded slowly and said, “After things calm down,” before walking away to put out a fire the software hadn’t been told about.

Ask the Funeral Dude!

Question:
“Hey Funeral Dude, I want to grow my business a LOT in 2026. Any advice on gaining pre-need and getting more calls? What’s the secret?” -Mr.Dreamer

Answer:
Welp, this is a common question this time of year. I used to wonder what I could ever do to get business popping and start edging out my competition. I eventually decided, why bother? So, I’m not going to answer your question- instead, I’m going to give you a list of questions you should be asking to really have a proper 2026.

Here we go (take notes)
– how can I use the word “dignified” in more of my marketing copy?
– how many generic posts can I put on Facebook before it’s embarrassing (find the amount and do one more)
– How much time can I spend adding up my competitors’ obits?
– how can I maintain my dignified reputation?
– who can I hire to agree with me on every decision?
– how many times can say “it is what it is?”

If you do all of those, you may not increase profit, but you will maintain a dignified brand. And that’s what really matters.