Silence Training for FD's | FFFW 251

Hey guys, we’re back with issue 251! As always, I truly can’t believe that we’ve kept this going for this long- we are quickly approaching FIVE YEARS of the FFFW. Five years is a long time for anything, but specifically for a weekly funeral satire column. So cheers to you- you’re the only reason we keep doing this! Thank you for reading week after week and enjoying this wacky little thing that happens here on Fridays!

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Funeral Home Staff Unveil New “Silence Training” After Director’s Cell Phone Went Off During Eulogy

Remembrance Ridge Funeral Chapel has officially launched a new mandatory silence training program for staff after an embarrassing incident last Tuesday.

Midway through a heartfelt eulogy, the director’s phone began loudly blaring a Taylor Swift ringtone. “I told them it was ‘for research,’” said the director, “but apparently, no one believes me.”

The training now includes:

Pocket Pat-Downs before every service.
30-minute Silent Staring Contests to build discipline.
A new policy requiring all ringtones to be changed to Gregorian chant just in case.

Staff report morale is mixed. “On one hand, I don’t want to be the reason a widow hears ‘Shake It Off’ during a graveside prayer,” said intern Kyle. “On the other hand, the staring contests are brutal.”

According to insiders, the chapel is considering noise-canceling casket lids as an additional precaution.