HOW TO GET RID OF ASHES | FFFW 229 | Connecting Directors

DISCLAIMER: None of the F’s in FFFW stand for “facts.”

I hate to be the guy that is always just talking about the weather, but it keeps on switching up on me. In my part of the south we had spring-like weather all last week, and now I’m running to my car as fast as possible to avoid the shivers.

I guess that means we’ll have to turn up the heat on the FFFW today!

Save Your Funeral Livestreams Before Facebook Deletes Them on May 19th: https://facebook-crisis.memoryshare.com/

“The announcement that Facebook will delete live streams older than 30 days reveals a critical disconnect between platform policies and the reality of grief. Grief doesn’t follow a 30-day timeline. Our data shows 30% of funeral viewings happen after that 30-day window. For an average funeral home, that’s over 2,500 families annually who will seek comfort in a service recording only to find it gone. This should serve as a wake-up call for funeral professionals to invest in solutions where they maintain ownership and control of their content, rather than entrusting these precious memories to platforms with competing priorities.” – Shane White, CTO of MemoryShare

MemoryShare is here to help.

Funeral homes affected by these changes can schedule a call with MemoryShare to receive 3 months of unlimited streaming and recording. Their team will handle all training, transfer your existing videos, and provide a complimentary 20-minute training session for your staff. MemoryShare is committed to funeral homes and ensuring a smooth transition with zero disruption for the families you serve.

Call 469-983-4832 to learn more and meet with a MemoryShare professional who will guide you through the process. Mention Disrupt/Connecting Directors to claim a bonus gift!

5 Ways to Get Rid of Great-Grandma’s Ashes (Without Feeling Like a Terrible Person)

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE. PLEASE OBEY ALL LOCAL AND NATIONAL LAWS WHEN DEALING WITH ASHES

Look, it happens. Someone hands you an urn, tells you it’s Great-Grandma Ethel, and suddenly you are responsible for her eternal resting place. But let’s be honest—you never met Great-Grandma Ethel. She didn’t leave you money, she never sent birthday cards, and frankly, she might’ve been kind of a jerk. And now, three or four generations later, you’re left holding the literal dust of a woman who probably thought rotary phones were witchcraft.

So what do you do? You could keep them forever, passing them down to your kids like some kind of creepy family heirloom… OR you could get creative. Here are five ways to respectfully, but also efficiently, part ways with Great-Grandma’s remains.

1. The Classic Scatter & Dash

The simplest way to say goodbye: take the urn to a scenic overlook, say something vaguely poetic (“She always loved the ocean”—even if she was from Nebraska), and let the wind do its thing.

Potential downside: If the wind is against you, Great-Grandma will be all over your clothes, your hair, and possibly your mouth. Nothing ruins a heartfelt moment like accidentally inhaling your ancestor.

2. The “Finders Keepers” Approach

Leave the urn somewhere interesting and let society decide what happens next. Some options:

A fancy art museum (“Is this a sculpture? Is it modern? Who can say?”)
A garage sale (“$5 and you can meet my great-grandmother”)
The lost and found at an airport (Imagine the baggage claim guy trying to page ‘Ethel’s Family’ over the loudspeaker.)

Potential downside: You might accidentally start an urban legend.

3. Incorporate Her Into Home Décor

Turn that urn into something useful. A bookend. A quirky lamp. A flowerpot. Suddenly, Great-Grandma Ethel isn’t just a memory—she’s a conversation starter!

Potential downside: Someone might eventually knock it over, and you’ll be vacuuming up Great-Grandma for weeks.

4. The Fireworks Finale

Did Great-Grandma ever dream of going out with a bang? Well, guess what—turning ashes into fireworks is a real thing. That’s right, you can literally blast her into the night sky in a glorious, sparkly send-off.

Potential downside: If the wind doesn’t cooperate (again), you might just recreate a very awkward Fourth of July barbecue.

5. The Ultimate Re-Gift

Feeling generous? Pass the responsibility onto someone else. Maybe that one cousin who’s always talking about “preserving the family legacy” (great, YOU deal with it). Or, even better, wrap the urn up and gift it to an unsuspecting relative.

Potential downside: Family reunions might get tense.

(Once again- for legal reasons) NOTE: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE. PLEASE OBEY ALL LOCAL AND NATIONAL LAWS WHEN DEALING WITH ASHES

Trivia

What is the longest recorded time a body has been preserved using cryonics?

Choose the correct answer and you’ll see a raccoon. Get it wrong and you’ll see someone hurting themselves.

Answer Choices:
A) 12 years

B) 27 years

C) 57 years