"Please don't die this weekend" | FFFW 190

DISCLAIMER: None of the F’s in FFFW stand for “facts.” Enjoy the jokes and satire.

Alright, folks, it’s Memorial Day Weekend. Now, I don’t usually get serious, but let’s take a moment to really appreciate something important.

I absolutely love this country. I love America. Last weekend, I visited Canada. It was AWESOME, the people were friendly, the Tim Horton’s was oh so tasty, and the scenery was beautiful. But you know what? I couldn’t wait to get back to the States. Sure, every country has its charm and history, but only one place feels like home to me.

Other countries are home to their people, and that’s wonderful. But America? America is my home. This is the land that lets me follow my passions, practice my faith, and even have a job writing funeral satire—how crazy is that? But let’s not forget, the freedoms and opportunities we enjoy here didn’t come free. They were bought with the bravery and sacrifice of men and women far braver and more courageous than I could ever be.

I get to live my life because they gave up theirs.

Think about that.

So, we’ll get back to our usual FFFW antics, but for our American readers, I urge you to take a moment this weekend. Feel the gratitude for our fallen heroes deep in your bones. Enjoy the barbecues and the beach trips, but remember why we have this freedom in the first place.

Now back to the goofy stuff.

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Funeral Director Begs Community: “Please, Don’t Die Over Memorial Day Weekend”

In a heartfelt plea that has shaken the small town of Oakville, local funeral director Mortimer Graves has issued an urgent request: “Please, for the love of all that is sacred, don’t die over Memorial Day Weekend.” Graves, who has been the town’s undertaker for the past 25 years, made his emotional appeal from behind a modest lectern at Oakville’s community center, flanked by somber-looking assistants clutching clipboards and tissue boxes.

“Folks, I’m begging you,” Graves started, his voice cracking with a mixture of desperation and exhaustion. “We’ve got a beautiful long weekend ahead. The sun is shining, the BBQs are firing up, and for once, I’d like to spend it not surrounded by the recently deceased.” He recounted last year’s mishaps, from overzealous hot dog eating contests to tragic boating accidents, and admitted with a weary smile, “I want to enjoy the holiday too. I’d like to have a beer, watch the fireworks, and maybe, just maybe, have a moment of peace without thinking about caskets and embalming fluid.”

The community, touched by Graves’ plea, has vowed to be more considerate when dying. “It’s really not too much trouble to die on a workday between 8 and 4,” said longtime resident Martha Jenkins. Despite their good intentions, Graves knows he’ll still get anxiety every time the phone rings over the weekend, fearing another untimely demise. But for now, Oakville’s residents are determined to grant their funeral director the peaceful Memorial Day he so desperately desires.