Funeral Home Exposes College Basketball | FFFW 129
It’s issue 129, and we’re feeling fine. We got some gifs and giggles lined up just for you today.
Here’s a fun fact- it’s National Cheesesteak Day. Make no mis(STEAK) about it. Just thinking about this RARE day gets me feeling a little ooey and gooey inside. Why? Because this day is just so GOUDA! Get it? It sounds like “good.” Oh well, I knew that one would be a little CHEESY.
Anyway, I’m done milking those dairy and meat puns. Let’s roll into the weekend with the happiest newsletter in the funeral profession.
Homesteaders Makes it Rain?
What’s better than a 25 bps increase in growth on your preneed block? A 30 bps increase! Homesteaders is excited to announce one of the industry’s highest growth rate increases – an average of 30 bps on all new business, beginning March 15. Learn more.
Funeral Home Offers Cremation for Busted Brackets
A local funeral home has announced that it will offer a new service this year: mass cremation for busted college basketball tournament brackets.
According to a press release from the funeral home, the service is aimed at those who have lost their bets and their dignity in the annual event. “We understand that the pain of a busted bracket can be overwhelming,” the release read. “So, we’re here to offer a solution that will give you closure and let you move on with your life.”
The service will include a brief ceremony where mourners can say their final goodbyes to their dreams of winning big. The brackets will then be burned en masse, with the ashes scattered in a nearby park.
When asked about the decision to offer the service, the funeral home’s director stated, “We saw a need in the community and we wanted to help. People invest so much time and energy into filling out these brackets, only to have them fall apart in the first round. We thought it would be a nice gesture to give them a proper send-off.”
A local enthusiast said the following, “I really thought Purdue had a chance this year. But, I’ve been living in grief ever since that first game. This service is giving me a chance to give a real sendoff to my hopes for the season.” So, if you find yourself with a busted bracket this year, remember that there’s a funeral home out there that cares. And who knows, maybe a cremation is just what you need to start the healing process.
Note: this article is satire. I do think a funeral home should offer this somewhere.
You Otter Be Proud
1) ICCFA Names 2022 “Keeping it Personal” Award Winners
2) Seven unclaimed soldiers receive military burial at East TN Veterans Cemetery
3) Iowa cemetery takes out personal ad for goose whose mate died