The Sparky Sharky Special | FFFW #97

It’s Shark Week, baby! To me, this whole week is a holiday. As I’m typing this, I’m watching a rerun of Brad Paisley’s Shark Special from 2021. See, in a world that seems so confusing, having a full week of great shark content just seems so simple. If you haven’t enjoyed your Shark Week yet, buckle up. Why? Because this is The FFFW Sparky Sharky Special! It’s the FFFW SSS!

BLESS YOUR EARDRUMS WITH SOME GOOD GOOD

Our friend, Tyler Yamasaki (Parting Pro), has launched a brand-spanking-new podcast focused on showcasing unique perspectives inside the death care space. Check out the fresh episodes TODAY!

https://www.directcremation.com

MY FUNERAL SHARK TANK IDEAS

Going on Shark Tank has always been a dream of mine. And ego paired with my lack of self-awareness makes me believe that I could convince all the sharks to argue over buying whatever invention I come up with.

So, I want to present you with a few of the mind-blowing death-care inventions I have.

1) The Crematorium Crematorium

Alright, here’s my pitch. Cremations are all the buzz right now. But, chances are within the next couple hundred years, a new disposition method will even overtake it. So, that leaves us with thousands of cremation machines and spaces. What are we going to do with them?

Sure, you could just take them apart piece-by-piece and do things like “recycle them.” But that doesn’t sound fun. Do you know what sounds fun? Having an even bigger crematorium that melts all these crematoriums together and makes a giant ball of the crematoriums.

2) The Crematorium Made Giant Ball Museum (Sponsored by the FFFW)

Alright, here’s my pitch. After cremations disappear and my previous invention melts them all together into a giant ball, we’ll need a place to house this massive sphere. After all, something this cool is likely to be vandalized and graffitied. And that would be a shame. So my next invention is the CMGBM(SBTFFFW), aka the “Crematorium Made Giant Ball Museum (Sponsored by the FFFW).

Who wouldn’t pay to go see such a cool piece of history? I know I would, and if I would, then I know basically everyone else would want to be there too.

This actually leads me to my next invention.

3) Mini Crematorium Made Giant Museum (Sponsored by the FFFW) Souvenir Keychains

Okay, hear me out. Since we’re all on board with the big giant crematorium ball, why not make a little miniature version that you can put with your keys? Then every time you go to use your keys, you’ll be like, “Oh yeah, I got to go to the CMGBM(SBTFFFW), and it was the highlight of my life. Man, Nebraska was awesome.” (Yeah, I forgot to mention this whole thing is taking place in Nebraska) I mean, sign me up! I’d buy one of these for every keychain I have. It’s a no-brainer.

4) Suits for Grief Dogs

It’s just adorable.