Alkaline Hydrolysis Must Be Stopped | FFFW #54

ENJOY Friday Funeral Fast Wrap Funeral Industry News October 1, 2021

Alkaline Hydrolysis Must Be Stopped | FFFW #54

The McRib is Coming Back

It was just announced that the McRib will be making its way back on the McDonalds menu beginning November 1st! This is fantastic news for me, I love the McRib! And yes, I know everyone likes to hate on the McRib, but it keeps coming back year after year and is always a big success. It’s kind of funny, right? There’s a lot of things people love to bash because it’s the “cool” thing to do, yet the things that everyone says they can’t stand are some of the most popular things in the world. Look at Nickelback. People love to trash their music, but they still sell out arenas anywhere they go in the world. So, chances are a lot of the people making fun of them are also screaming their lyrics from the nosebleeds when they come to town.

Or Facebook. I don’t know if I’ve heard one person say anything positive about Facebook in the past two years. All I hear is people complaining about the “fake news,” how it’s a waste of time, and how it’s not even cool anymore. In spite of what they say, I then see the same people saying those things spend hours a day scrolling through the platform.

I say this all to say- haters gonna hate (but that same hater might also be a fan). It’s a weird world we’re living in. But, if you want to get away from the haters and the stress- you’re in the right spot. We don’t make you feel bad for liking fast food, Mountain Dew music, or Zuck’s playhouse. Here, you can be yourself. The only thing we’ll make you do is look at awesome GIFS! Roll GIF number one!


The fastest a hearse has ever gone is 115 mph. At that speed, without traffic, how long would it take to get from New York City to Los Angeles?

a) 14.1 hours

b) 24.2 hours

c) 34.3 hours


Here are some cool stats!

  • The fastest window cleaner washed three windows in nine seconds
  • In one minute, a man smashed 80 eggs with just his head
  • The fastest talker said 260 words in 23.8 seconds

These things fascinate me! Here’s another fun thing- through Parting Pro, people can complete cremation arrangements in 18 minutes. That’s AWESOME! By giving families a simple online experience, Parting Pro also helps funeral businesses increase merchandise sales, acquire positive reviews, and grow profit. 

Plus, they’re teaming up with us so you can continue to get the GIFs and goods you get every week from the FFFW. So, we think they’re pretty cool.

Basically, if I had to sum it up using alliteration, I would say to remember the 13 P’s.
“Parting Pro Provides Positive Profit for their Partnered Providers by Providing People with Programmed Painless Participation Possibilities.”

What are you waiting for? Check it out! CLICK THIS LINK!


Call it what you want, aqua-cremation, water-cremation, or… alkaline hydrolysis. No matter how you label it, it’s off-putting. Now, I have zero objections to providing an alternative to traditional cremation. Competition, innovation- I love that stuff! BUT, branding is a very important thing, and honestly, the funeral profession could use a lot of it.

So, here are my alternatives to “alkaline hydrolysis.”

1) Splish Splash, Splish Splash, There You Go Now You’re Ash

Yes, it’s a mouthful, but it is memorable and it doesn’t sound threatening. Alkaline hydrolysis sounds like a science experiment. SSSSTYGNYA sounds approachable and fun.

2) Super Soaking

“I understand Hermin wanted to be super soaked after his funeral.” -You (if you adopt this terminology.”

No explanation is needed. This is gold.

3) MOAB- Mother of all Baths

After this scrub-a-dub, there’ll be no more need to scrub-a-dub.


“I don’t know why I’m not getting any matches.”


Let’s be honest, our profession gets a lot of negative press, so we’ve searched the internet to find stories of funeral things getting respect, and doing great things!
1) ​​Local funeral home to offer ‘stones’ made of remains instead of the traditional urn
2) Funeral Directors Try to Save Lives