DISCLAIMER: None of the F’s in FFFW stand for “facts.”
Welp, for the past 4 months, I’ve been talking about the Chiefs winning the Super Bowl… and let’s say that last weekend was a great reminder that I can indeed be dead wrong.
But hey, can’t win em all.
Here’s an otter to cleanse your minds of my errors.
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Funeral Director Wears Zesty Heart Tie for Valentine’s Day
WEST HAVEN, IN—A local funeral director shocked colleagues, clients, and himself this morning when he arrived at the funeral home wearing a zesty red tie adorned with small, yet tasteful, hearts. The tie, which can only be described as mildly festive, has sent ripples through the local deathcare community.
“I don’t know what came over me,” said Jason Crandall, a 27-year veteran of solemn navy and charcoal tones. “I was getting dressed, and suddenly, I thought, What if I wore something… fun? And now, I fear I may never regain control of my life.”
Reactions have ranged from genuine delight to mild discomfort. Embalmer Susan Wrigley admitted she had to take a moment to compose herself upon seeing Jason’s festive neckwear.
“I thought maybe he had finally snapped,” Wrigley said. “I mean, we’re talking about a guy who considers wearing gray slacks ‘a little wild.’ And now this? It’s like seeing a nun with a nose ring.”
The disruption extended to the funeral home’s service schedule, as several families in attendance at morning visitations were overheard whispering about the “bright red distraction” at the front of the chapel. One mourner mistook the tie for a marketing promotion, asking if the funeral home was running a Valentine’s Day discount on cremations.
Despite the commotion, Jason remains committed to finishing out the day in his audacious accessory. “I can’t turn back now,” he said, adjusting his tie with the careful precision of a man questioning everything. “But mark my words—tomorrow, it’s back to navy.”
At press time, sources confirmed Jason was seen staring at himself in the mirror, muttering, “What have I done?” while clutching a black tie in one hand and a bottle of Maalox in the other.
You Otter Be Proud
Here’s some good news going on in the profession.
- Wilson Funeral Home director honored for organ donor support
- Old Lick Cemetery in Roanoke cleaned, repaired with help of national expert
- Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones
