DISCLAIMER: None of the F’s in FFFW stand for “facts.”
Alright fam- we’ve reached one of my favorite weekends of the year. It is time for the Super Bowl. This year we’re dedicating this whole FFFW to the big game as we get amped up for Sunday.
Now all we gotta do is pray you don’t get a pick-up call during the 4th quarter.
Days until the Chiefs win the Big Game: 2
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Pennsylvania Funeral Home Shut Down After Owner Exposed as Chiefs Fan
POTTSVILLE, PA — A local funeral home has been forced to close its doors this week after what officials are calling a catastrophic PR disaster. The reason? The owner, Bob Smith, was outed as a Kansas City Chiefs fan just days before the Eagles face off against them for the NFL Championship.
“We just couldn’t believe it,” said local reporter John Michaels. “We always assumed Bob was a good, upstanding member of this community, and then—boom—we find out he’s been secretly rooting for Mahomes this whole time.”
For Eagles fans, the revelation was nothing short of soul-crushing betrayal.
“You think I’m gonna let a Chiefs fan embalm me?” said one outraged resident. “He’d probably give me RIGGED-a-mortus! Get it? RIGGED-a-mortus—because the NFL rigs all the games for the Chiefs.” The man then proceeded to explain the joke several more times, ensuring it landed.
The funeral home, Soaring Memories, attempted to contain the damage with an official Facebook statement on Wednesday:
“You may have heard the shocking news that our owner, Bob Smith, has been a closeted Chiefs fan for years. While he managed to keep his betrayal under wraps during Super Bowl LVII, recent events have exposed his true loyalties. Multiple community members witnessed him liking Chiefs propaganda online, prompting a full investigation.
Our staff confronted Bob in a formal intervention, where he finally admitted his admiration for Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce. Given the severity of the situation, we could no longer, in good conscience, work under such conditions.
In light of these events, Bob Smith has chosen to retire and relocate. Effective immediately, Soaring Memories Funeral Home is permanently closed.
We sincerely apologize for the emotional distress caused by learning that your loved ones were cared for by a Kansas City sympathizer.”
When reached for comment, Bob Smith simply replied:
“I guess losers can’t stand winners. I’m moving back to Missouri.”
Authorities have confirmed that Bob was last seen crossing state lines with a Mahomes jersey in his trunk, and the town has since declared a mandatory cleansing ritual of all funeral homes to ensure no further betrayals.
At press time, city officials were reportedly considering exhuming bodies embalmed under Smith’s supervision just to be safe.
Trivia
If someone had one casket for every point that both the Chiefs and Eagles scored so far this season- how many caskets would they have?
Select the correct answer, and you’ll get a GIF of a raccoon dancing. Select the wrong one, and you’ll get a GIF of someone hurting themselves.
Answer Choices:
You Otter Be Proud
Here’s some good news going on in the profession.
- Wilson Funeral Home director honored for organ donor support
- Old Lick Cemetery in Roanoke cleaned, repaired with help of national expert
- Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones
