Article Originally appeared on MyASD.com
The headline is a serious, honest question. Is it one of the responsibilities of a Funeral Director to help the surviving members of the families they serve recovery from their loss?
What was your immediate reaction? Yes or no? There are strong feelings on both sides of this question among the Funeral Directors I know and have spoken to about it.
On the “no” side of the equation, some argue that the primary responsibility of the Funeral Director is the respectful internment of the remains that they have been entrusted with and the role of Grief Support, and therefore, the facilitation of recovery from loss, falls to Hospice, Grief Counselors/Therapists, and the Clergy.
On the “yes,” side of the question, proponents agree that the proper handling of the deceased is important; however, they add that the survivors require more than just a memorable ceremony to help them with closure. And, they feel that given the changing dynamics of the modern family and cultural attitudes towards religion they are in the primary and best position to impact a positive recovery for the survivors. Some also feel that it is actually their obligation to offer some level of support or guidance on grief, simply from a compassionate point of view.
So, how do you see this? Is it part of the responsibilities of a Funeral Director or not? Or, maybe you feel “it depends?” I’d like to hear your arguments for that position.
To this discussion, I’d like to add the word “opportunity.” Can providing help in the recovery from their loss actually be an intelligent business decision? If you are successful in helping survivors toward a positive recovery, do you think that would make you more or less memorable to them? If you help them with their recovery, in addition to providing excellent service and a wonderful tribute celebration for their loved one, do you feel these could be synergistic and make it more likely that they will refer you to friends and colleagues? If you offer to help in a meaningful way with their recovery, do you think this would help them to believe that you care about them as a person beyond just the service you provided?
I believe the strongest case for helping survivors with their recovery from their loss is the business opportunity case. What do you think now?
I already do help families with follow up care. My concern is in the future (and this has happened a few times already). The family uses a discount provider at need and when they need help after the fact they come to the neighborhood funeral home because they don’t get the service from the discounter and we end up spending mutiple hour assisting with a family that we received absolutely no revenue from.
We instituted a grief support group and memorial services more than 20 years ago. I can’t say that the grief support ever met the needs of too many people. There was a small core group that dwindled over time and we stopped underwriting the program nearly 10 years ago.
The remembrance services did hit the mark for a time. Years ago we filled churches and felt as though we touched a lot of lives, but as hospice grew in size and influence (maybe there are other factors, but that seems to be the most obvious) the memorial services dwindled as well. Instead of touching 450 or more, we were reaching 50. Those we stopped a few years back as well. I even talked with a bereavement coordinator for a local church recently. She has seen the same thing, a dwindling of participation in support groups and they have wrapped up their program as well.
Do these things offer and opportunity? Depends on the services already available in your area. For us it seems the market is saturated for those kinds of services and since they do not produce any form of direct revenue for the funeral home it seems as though we could use some new ideas on how to market and enhance our relationship with our communities.
BT Hathaway
http://www.hathawayfunerals.com
That’s called typical but unsustainable. Funeral homes aren’t government entities or charities.
Mickey & BT,
Thanks for your comments.
BT – your dwindling is real, from what I can find, and from asking both consultants and funeral directors about it – somewhere around 15 to 25% of those who have lost someone take advantage of Grief Support Services in the form of group sessions or private therapy – the rest go on alone –
Where I see the opportunity is not in offering services at your Funeral Home necessarily, but in providing discreetly branded support directly to those grieving that can help them recover from their loss, as a way to bolster their feelings about you, the services you provided and a reminder that you cared about them after the service was over and everyone had gone home, and they had to figure out a way to live after their loss.
Also, even though the numbers have dwindled, it is possible that those who remain, and who take advantage of your support services can be the types that become “brand zealots,” and help to spread your name and reputation in your service area.
Mickey – first, good for you for offering the support to those who used discounters instead of you – it shows that you care. On the business side, I believe the opportunity could be in using the time spent in your home to subtly educate them about the benefits, such as follow up care, of using you AND referring you to their friends. Unfortunately, in the Funeral Business, there is often a lag between outreach efforts made and income realized.
tim
1. I agree with the concept of providing grief support resources for the individual/family to read or assimilate on their own time, with the important emphasis being on the Funeral Home being the expert consultant providing professional guidance by providing excellent books for their families.
2. If the numbers of people attending the memorial services or grief support offerings are dwindling–perhaps the question is not “do people not want these any more” but instead “are we providing something that is meaningful and important”? If we all agree that church and denominational involvment is part of the reason that funeral homes should be providing aftercare services, and then we turn around and provide a very religious holiday service in a church– we are not considering who our families/consumers are. Or are we just doing it the same way because that’s how we’ve always done it or that’s how we are comfortable? And then shrugging our shoulders and saying “people don’t want to come anymore”. Families are definitely more selective about how they are going to spend their time and they will not give a second chance to an experience that does not meet their needs.
The question is not attendance–the question is content.
3. I think any funeral home who turns over being the grief expert to the hospice, church or any other entity is giving up a very valuable and important role in the lives of families. If we want to be seen only as the body snatchers who are not important after the dirt has fallen or after the urn walks out the door, then truly how different are we from the discounters? We should be embracing that opportunity rather than seeing it as an additional after thought or unnecessary expense.
Excellent points Glenda – thanks for adding to the discussion.
I’ve found that time constraints, not wanting to be a part of a group that is dominated by a couple of people and often a negative concept of private therapy as being for weak people, contribute to the lower involvement numbers, not just in Funeral Director offerings but also Church and Hospice too.
tim
Grief support services offered after the funeral by funeral homes generally is nothing more than an attempt to sell pre-need services.
We believe the number of folks, who wish to hang around the funeral home after services are complete, are few even if the are satisfied and thankful for your efforts.
Our company has just commenced an aftercare program in partnership with community groups and churches. It’s held offsite and offered to both our client families and the wider community.
Rather than concentrate on grief, we’re offering workshops in home maintenance for widows, travel consultancy, law and financial issues and cooking healthy for one, We also have a psychologist explain the warning signs that the survivors are requiring help.The numbers are growing and the community group and church are grateful that we have assisted them in reaching a demographic they’ve always had difficulty in contacting.
Participants are spruiking our company to their friends and neighbours. Advertising we can’t buy!
I work as a Hospice Chaplain/Bereavement coordinator, in addition to my FD duties. Speaking fron the Hospice viewpoint, I am seeing very similar turnout as some of you have described, and likely for the same reasons. For instance at our monthly Grief Recovery Support Group, we never have over 3 people show up, and more often than not no one shows up. This is with about 150 families (which equates to probably 400-500 people) on our Bereavement service at any given time. However, our Annual Hospice Memorial Service has much better response, though not as good as one might think. Usually about 150 people.
We dropped the grief support part of our aftercare a number of years ago and have chosen to now call it transitional care. We, like Ian, now focus on practical help like legal things and home repairs and cooking, etc. With all due respect to Tim, he is in the grief business and it is his passion and purpose in life to help people in need of grief support. But after 20 years of running a grief oriented aftercare program it was clear to us that there was not a demand for it and there was no return on the investment we were making into the program. So instead of using valuable time, effort and an ever decreasing amount of available financial resources on a program that was being used by less than 5% of my clients it makes better business sense to focus on creating remarkable events that effect 100% of the people that come through my doors.
Great comments and insights-
Ian – that is an excellent way to continue to show that you care with practical help
Dale – I’m in the stress management business – working to help anyone in pain – especially those in pain from the severe stress of loss – human loss, pet loss, major setback – disappointment or failures.
Scott – the dwindling numbers are from multiple sources all converging at once – there is no one “thing” to blame – it is systemic in our society.
Lowering device: If a grief support program devolves into only a pre-need pitch – that is the Funeral Homes choice and doing.
What I work with people on is getting to be known/trusted/referred to by the thought leaders in their community, and doing memorable activities and actions, as Dales suggests, which includes a personalized, Grief Support Program that is supported by several follow up letters during the 3 months after a loss.
Very good discussion! Thank you – tim