DISCLAIMER: None of the F’s in FFFW stand for “facts.”
Enjoy the jokes and satire. What a week. It’s wild how much can change in a week. So many huge things happened. Where should we begin? Did you hear about Donald?
That’s right- Retired L.A. Rams player, Aaron Donald showed up to their wildcard game a couple of weeks back and is making sports news as people speculate whether or not he could have a comeback.
Then… what about Tik Tok. We’ve all been talking about it! “Tik Tok” by Kesha is nearing in on 1.5 BILLION streams on Spotify.
And while I can admit I’ve jammed to the song several times- no dental professional condones brushing teeth with a bottle of jack.
Just use toothpaste. Your breath will smell better. Anyway- now that we’re caught up on current events- let’s get moving!
Days until the Chiefs win the Big Game: 16
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Executive Orders if the President Were a Funeral Director
Executive Order #101: Hearse Lanes on the Interstate
Because nothing says “dignity in death” like zipping past rush hour traffic in a dedicated funeral procession lane. Bonus perk: hearse drivers get free toll passes if they can honk “Amazing Grace” on the way through.
Executive Order #404: No More Boring Obituaries
Effective immediately, all obituaries must include at least one outrageous fact—whether true or not. “Beloved father of three, Jerry once wrestled a bear in a Denny’s parking lot and won” is now the gold standard. Families who opt for “he enjoyed golf” will face fines.
Executive Order #676: Ban on Overplayed Funeral Songs
Under this directive, any family who requests “My Heart Will Go On” for a service must also sit through a Titanic-length slideshow of random stock photos. All versions of Wind Beneath My Wings? Immediate fine.
Executive Order #999: The Eternal Tax Credit
Families who purchase a burial or cremation package early will receive a 10% tax deduction, affectionately called “The Dead Deduction.” Citizens are encouraged to plan ahead for Uncle Larry’s inevitable demise and deduct his burial from next year’s refund.
Executive Order #207: National Moment of Silence—And Silence Only
A hard ban on side conversations during funeral services. Any guest caught whispering, “Who’s the caterer?” during the eulogy will be sent to the parking lot holding a sign that reads, I couldn’t keep quiet.
Trivia
What celebrity had their ashes sent to space aboard a rocket?
Select the correct answer, and you’ll get a GIF of an otter. Select the wrong one, and you’ll get a GIF of someone hurting themselves.
Answer Choices:
You Otter Be Proud
Here’s some good news going on in the profession.
- Wilson Funeral Home director honored for organ donor support
- Old Lick Cemetery in Roanoke cleaned, repaired with help of national expert
- Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones
