DISCLAIMER: None of the F’s in FFFW stand for “facts.” Enjoy the satire.
It’s the big weekend for college basketball — and I predict my bracket will be busted by the time you read this. Anyway, let’s get rolling!
Three Things Your Funeral Home Can Do to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse
1) When the zombies start coming, take down any signs that say “Funeral Home.” IDK … These guys might have some hard feelings about the whole embalming process.
2) Put offroad tires on the hearse. You should do this anyway because it would be cool, but definitely helpful if you’re taking short cuts running away from the zombie heard.
3) Get MemoryShare. Wait … what?
Yep. Here’s why. Chances are the zombie apocalypse will mean spotty WiFi. MemoryShare records livestreams directly to your streaming device (iPad) so you will still have a copy of the service even if the WIFI goes down. That’s right. You can stream through the apocalypse with confidence!
Learn more about what we do here!
Funeral Director “Flex Rap”
Most rappers have at least a few songs where they just “flex rap” the whole time. This means they just brag about themselves the whole time. So I got thinking “what would this look like for a funeral director?”
So, here it is:
“In the kingdom of the departed, I’m the crown jewel,
My embalming game sharp, making the old school drool.
Eco-friendly plots with a view, my landscapes are divine,
While you’re stuck in the past, I innovate and redefine.
Livestreaming goodbyes, virtual candles in the night,
My tech game’s so tight, turning sorrow into light.
You’re playing bingo, I’m 4D chess in the dark,
Setting benchmarks, leaving indelible marks.
Your hearses crawl, my fleet flies on the freeway,
In the race to eternal rest, I lead, you stray.
I script the final chapter with a golden pen,
In this symphony of silence, I’m the maestro, amen.
Here’s a nod to the competition, always a step behind,
In the art of farewells, it’s my name that’s signed.
Crafting legacies, with a mastery that’s refined,
In the echelon of farewells, it’s my light that’s shined.”
Drop a few of these bars at your next team meeting.
Trivia
Get it right and you’ll see a donkey. Get it wrong and you’ll get an explosion. The odds of getting a perfect bracket for March basketball is one in 9.2 quintillion. That’s a big number. So here’s a question that involves a big number.
According to my ChatGPT research, how many pounds of bodies are buried on the earth?
A) 73.8 Billion
B) 7.38 Trillion
C) 738 Million
You Otter Be Proud
Here are some good things going on in the profession.
- Talla Kuperman Creates Exquisitely Unique Jewelry With Love and a Happiness Guarantee
- Horse-Drawn Carriage Helps Those Grieving
- Rockland County moves to improve, restore several abandoned cemeteries
