DISCLAIMER: None of the F’s in FFFW stand for “facts.” Enjoy the satire.

Happy Friday! We’ve made it through the first week of August. Dang, this year is flying; hoping it’s been and continues to be a good one for ya!

Funfact: Washington State produces the most apples in the USA. Do with that whatever you please.

Also, hedgehogs are cool. Let’s put that all together.

Homesteaders Makes it Rain?

What’s better than a 25 bps increase in growth on your preneed block? A 30 bps increase! Homesteaders is excited to announce one of the industry’s highest growth rate increases – an average of 30 bps on all new business, beginning March 15. Learn more.

THREE THINGS FUNERAL DIRECTORS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ALIENS

Recently I got to talk to a funeral director who had a first-hand encounter with UFO spacecraft and an alien species. During this interaction he was able to ask about their death customs, he was shocked by some of their responses.

So, with his permission, I’ve created this listicle of the three things you need to know about aliens.

1) They’re low-key stingy. You would think, because of their spaceships and the way they’re portrayed in movies, that money means nothing to them. DEAD WRONG. These guys know how to stretch a penny. They’re willing to haggle on a casket, and they’ll use any tactic to try and gain sympathy. So yeah, these aliens kinda suck in the finance department.

2) They’re very traditional. Yeah, I figured they would be more into the modern “life celebration” stuff. I was wrong. These guys like to dress up in black and mourn their dead the old-fashioned way. Shockingly, their ceremonies look a lot like ours, except for the cow sacrifice. From the description I heard, that’s a very bloody, loud, and timely part of their service. Very inhumane, but it’s their culture. So yeah, other than that … totally normal.

3) They don’t get the whole “pet-services thing.” Apparently, all animals are looked at for nutritional value only. So, when my friend asked about it, his alien buddy told him that having a service for a dog is like having a service for the hamburger you plan on eating tomorrow. These guys are kinda jerks.