Funeral Home Uses Luge System for Body Transport

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Zap, North Dakota — Remembrance Hills Funeral Home is once again proving that “professionalism” is just a word you say right before you do something insane, after staff installed a luge-style chute from the prep area to the cooler… because they got inspired watching the Winter Olympics.

It started harmlessly enough. The whole office gathered around the TV to watch people rocket down an ice tunnel while commentators whispered like they were narrating a church service. By the third event, owner Graham Whitaker had the look of a man discovering innovation for the first time.

“Think about it,” Whitaker said, gesturing like he was pitching Shark Tank. “Controlled slide. Smooth transport. Efficiency. Dignity.”

By Monday, the funeral home had a polished track, a “start gate,” and a suspiciously official-looking sign that reads Clear Track Before Release.

And that’s when the staff got weird about it.

Within 24 hours, the same people who can’t remember where the spare toner is had created a full betting system. There’s a whiteboard in the breakroom listing times, “best run of the day,” and something called “personal bests” like they’re training for Milan-Cortina instead of doing first calls. One arranger is allegedly taking $5 wagers on whether today’s run breaks the cooler entry record, while another keeps insisting on announcing, “And they’re OFF,” every time the chute is used.

“It’s really brought the team together,” said one staff member, who absolutely should have been answering the phones. “Like, yes, the families are waiting in the lobby, but also… I have five dollars on a sub-3.2 today.”

Whitaker maintains the system is “tasteful” and “rooted in tradition,” despite the fact that he’s now wearing a stopwatch on a lanyard and has started calling the hallway to the cooler “the course.”

At press time, the funeral home was reportedly meeting to discuss “adding heats,” until someone in the back muttered the phrase “we are not doing bracket play in a funeral home,” and everyone got offended like it was an attack on dignity itself.

Ask the Funeral Dude!

Question:
“Hey Funeral Dude, my whole staff is obsessed with some random new ‘system’ (a new app, a new workflow, a new buzzword) and now they spend more time tracking it and talking about it than actually serving families. How do I shut this down without sounding like the grumpy old guy who hates progress?” – Mr. Metrics Fatigue

Answer:
Mr. Metrics Fatigue,

This is a classic case of a tool turning into a hobby. Funeral homes do it all the time. Give people a new app or a new “system” and suddenly they’re acting like they work at NASA instead of answering the phone.

Don’t ban it. You’ll just make it cooler. Do the dignified thing and quietly choke it out.

Pull everyone together for five minutes and say, “I’m glad we’re improving. Starting today, we’re using this only if it helps a family or saves us time. If it doesn’t do one of those two things, we’re done talking about it.”

Then add one rule: no scorekeeping. No leaderboards. No bragging. If somebody wants to track something, it better be something real like calls returned on time or fewer mistakes.

And if they still won’t let it go, appoint one person as the System Person. They get two minutes once a week to tell you what’s working and what’s not. People calm down fast when they have to be responsible instead of just excited.Stay dignified,
The Funeral Dude