Funerals, Meet Millennials
Our HUGE thanks to author Becky Robison for this incredibly insightful piece! We were so blown away by her personal essay, “My Parents Are Dead; Can I Afford Avocado Toast Now?” in Salon that we couldn’t wait to invite her to share her thoughts about navigating the world of deathcare after the recent deaths of both of her parents … and what advice she would offer deathcare professionals to improve the experience. We wholeheartedly encourage you to visit her website, My Parents Are Dead; What Now?, where she offers delightfully honest observations and constructive advice to Gen X and Millennial children stumbling their way through the aftermath of their parents’ deaths.
Millennials are by no means opposed to memento mori. We made Home Depot’s 12-foot skeleton a Halloween must-have. Our memes about the sweet release of death have been covered in major publications. But our morbid sense of humor doesn’t necessarily prepare us for the real deal—and it certainly doesn’t prepare us for all the big decisions we need to make in the wake of death.
My mom died of liver disease in 2020. My dad died of pancreatic cancer earlier this year. I knew they both wanted to be cremated, but that was the extent of our end-of-life discussions. “Discussions” is too generous a word—more like uncomfortable, vague allusions to end-of-life plans. I know a lot more about death care and the funeral industry now, but I learned it the hard way.
Boomers are on their way out of this world, for better or worse. Over the next few decades, Millennials will become the funeral industry’s primary customers—and we’re bringing our phone call phobia and eco-friendly values with us. Death is inevitable, so you may be working in the only industry Millennials can’t kill. But change is inevitable, too. Here are some ways you can help us out when the time comes.
Get a coffin in one click
I know this is a hot topic in the funeral industry, and I know the Federal Trade Commission is likely to mandate it soon, but it’s important enough that I can’t help reiterating: Millennials do most of our shopping online, and funeral shopping should be no exception.
As executor of my parents’ estate, I’ve had to make tons of financial decisions for which I was not remotely prepared, but choosing the funeral home was the most emotionally harrowing. My dad died in hospice, and instead of spending every remaining moment with him, I was doing price comparisons. And you know what? I went with a funeral home that did list their prices online—even if it wasn’t the cheapest or best option—simply because I wanted to get it over with. I didn’t bother to call anyone because it would take more of my limited time with Dad.
To be clear, I’m happy with the funeral home I selected. I’m glad they included the number of death certificates they provided in their pricing—after Mom’s death, I knew how important those certificates were. They didn’t try to pressure me into any extra services, and the funeral director was comfortable texting with me!
But I’ll never know if I would have found something better because that phone call was such a barrier. In the depths of my grief, I didn’t want to talk with anyone on the phone, let alone a salesperson.
Putting the “me” in memorial
Over the years, the media has made much hay about Millennials’ extreme individualism, bordering on narcissism. I think we’re simply not willing to settle for “the way it’s always been,” which is a good thing. But like everything else, that view will affect how we approach memorial services.
My parents weren’t religious, and though they were typical Boomers in many ways, I couldn’t imagine honoring them in a conventional manner. Somber people dressed in black? My vibrant, Floridian mom would have been horrified. We held her celebration of life outside a local bar-restaurant and catered it with her favorite pizza. A service in a stuffy gathering hall, every flat surface covered in lace doilies? My architect father would have hated it. We held his memorial at a golf course whose clubhouse he’d designed.
It didn’t even occur to me to ask the funeral home whether they could host a less traditional service. Every wake or service I’d attended at a funeral home—for my uncle, a college classmate, a friend’s grandmother—had been extremely traditional and, to be perfectly honest, grim. Why would I assume they’d be willing or able to do something different?
This may be a reputation problem for the industry. If your funeral home is already embracing unconventional services, advertise that! Put it on your website—maybe include some videos if the families are comfortable with it. I follow Australian funeral home The Last Hurrah on social media, and I find their personalized services charming.
If you’re not already embracing unconventional services, start small. Reach out to other local businesses who may be able to cater or provide decorations and music. Millennials want to acknowledge the unique personalities of our loved ones—help us do that.
What do I do now?
By the time my grandparents died, my parents had established their own businesses, bought their own property, raised their own children. Compared to Boomers, Millennials are a bit behind. We should probably stop thinking of it as behind and start thinking of it as the new normal.
Regardless: when my parents died and I became executor, I had absolutely no idea where to start. I didn’t have a lawyer or an accountant or a realtor. My knowledge of stock portfolios was limited to what I’d learned during a seventh grade school project. The first professional I spoke to after my parents died was, of course, the funeral director.
The funeral industry has an opportunity to be a referral business. Tell Millennials where to turn. Recommend local estate attorneys and notaries and financial planners—you could even put together a post-funeral checklist of basic steps to take. Ideally we’d learn this stuff before our parents die—community outreach and education is something you should consider, too. But as iconoclastic as Millennials are, we haven’t yet smashed the taboos of death and money.
For funeral directors, death and money have never been taboo. You’re the revolutionaries here. You’re uniquely positioned to put Millennials on the right track after we experience a loss.
Millennials may be internet-addicted, debt-ridden weirdos, but death hits us just as hard as anyone else. We need your help, and we’re grateful for it. Our generation doesn’t want to reject the funeral industry—we just want to see our preferences and values reflected in it.
And yeah, we’d love it if you’d text us.
