Keeping The FUN in “Funeral Home”
It’s been a long couple of years, hasn’t it? Too much to do and far too few of us getting things done. Haven’t we all had more than our share of the side of the business that isn’t fun? Yes, I think we have. So we scoured the interwebs for some of the more entertaining experiences of the pros, just for fun.
Here are the winners, in their own words. The names have been omitted to protect the innocent/guilty, but we’ve included the sources of the information in case you want to find more!
Terms of Endearment (Found on Reddit)
“A family came in so we could help make arrangements for flowers and such. We were discussing what they wanted on a banner they chose. The wife and sister of the guy who passed looked at each other at the same time and snickered. My manager and I exchanged looks briefly. We were curious about their reaction.
“’Asshole,’ the sister chimes in. ‘We want it to say “asshole”’. There was a whole story behind it, but basically it was just their term of endearment for him. Apparently, most of the family was in on the joke. Soon enough, it’s visitation day about an hour before the viewing is to start, and there’s this beautiful arrangement of flowers next to the casket with a banner across it that reads ‘ASSHOLE.’ The immediate family howled in laughter; they loved it, and it definitely lightened up the mood. We took it down when the family was receiving guests and gave the family the banner as a keepsake at the end of the night.Bottom of Form
Help Line Operator (From Notalwaysright.com)
(Being a funeral home, we get a lot of prank calls. This is a frequent call.)
Me: “Good afternoon, [Funeral Home]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “Is this the line with the girls?”
Me: “Pardon?”
Caller: “The line to talk to the girls. I have something here that’s eight inches long and two inches thick.”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We only handle one type of stiff here.”
Mileage May Vary (From Notalwaysright.com)
One of the deceased gentlemen in our care is being visited by his daughter in our chapel of rest. She rings the bell to summon me.
Woman: “I need to give you something to keep with him.”
Me: “Of course; I’ll make sure it stays with him.”
Woman: *handing me a sandwich in a bag and a bottle of water* “This is for when he wakes up; I expect he’ll be hungry and thirsty.”
Me: *trying to keep my facial expression neutral* “Uh, for, when… when he wakes up?”
Woman: “Yes, my church group has been praying for him and the church leader says he should wake up any time now. He’s seen it happen lots of times before, firsthand.”
Me: “Uh. Well, okay… I will certainly make sure these stay with him.”
Woman: “And you’ll call me as soon as he wakes up?”
Me: “I promise that if he wakes up, I’ll call you and let you know straight away.”
Woman: *completely seriously and straight-faced* “Thank you. I hope he doesn’t take too long about it.”
The following day she called in the morning to check whether he was awake. A coworker and I checked, half-afraid of what we might find, but alas… [t]he deceased never woke up, and he and his sandwich eventually left for the funeral home.
Thanks for Nothing, Creep (From Notalwaysright.com)
Me: “Funeral home, how may I help you?”
Caller: “Yeah, I am coming to my friend’s funeral this morning and I need directions.”
Me: “Certainly, ma’am, where are you coming from?”
Caller: *suddenly upset* “I’m not telling you where I live! Why would you ask me that!?”
Me: “Um, I don’t need your address ma’am. I just need a general location to give you directions.”
Caller: “Well, I feel uncomfortable telling you that.”
Me: “Well, I cannot tell you how to get here if I don’t know where you’re coming from.”
Caller: “You’re not very good at giving directions, then. This is why people think you funeral home people are creepy. Who asks what someone’s address is? That is a total invasion of privacy.”
Me: “Well, if it helps, our location is [Intersection in Town].”
Caller: “That doesn’t help me at all! Thanks for nothing, creep.”
Help, I’m Lost (From Notalwaysright.com)
Picking up a deceased person at a nursing home, I pull around to the back door since most prefer we go in and out the back. The front and back entrances to this place are just opposite each other. No matter which you use, it’s the same lobby.
Employee: “You have to use the front entrance. Pull around to the front.”
Me: “Are you sure? I am picking up an expired person and most places prefer we use the back.”
Employee: “No… Yes. You have to pull around.”
(I move the van to the front entrance and re-enter.)
Employee: “Oh… you can’t come in this way. You have to pull around the back.”
Me: “I did that, ma’am. You told me to come this way.”
Employee: “No, I didn’t. Anyway you have to pull around the back to the white gate.”
Me: “Okay.”
*Moves the van, finds the white gate, then waits an additional fifteen minutes to be let in*
Me: *seeing a staff member* “Sir, can you let me in, please?”
Staff Member: “What in the world are you doing here? You should come in the back.”
(I explain the situation and the guy lets me in and leads me to the apartment I need, with much thanks from me. I arrive at apartment to find everything wrong that could be. The patient is 350 pounds and is laying on his bedroom floor.)
Police Officer: “Are you here alone? We told that girl at the front desk that you guys would need a team for this one.”
(This is normally a two-man situation, but I have some experience and can handle it… so I do. Paperwork, body on gurney, and ready to go. The same employee from the front desk shows up.)
Employee: “Why did you park by the white gate? You have to go out [random side door]!”
(I move my van to the side door and get out of there. It took all my willpower to just leave with only the one body.)
Ah, Civilians, the Scallywags (Found on Reddit)
Hey, have you heard the one about the Star Wars fan for whom the Imperial March played triumphantly on full organ, all stops pulled out, for the recessional before taking his coffin to the cemetery? That was a hoot!
Then there was that uncomfortable chat with the guy who brought in lingerie and nothing else for his wife to be dressed in… and then he wanted an “undisturbed and prolonged” viewing. But this was my personal favorite, from one FD to another:
“I’m putting down [Name of Competitor Funeral Home] for my disposition, I’m going to die on the third floor of my creaky apartment in the tub after using copious amounts of bath oils.”
I thought that one had a little bit of a mean-girls vibe.
Still funny, though.
Thanks to Connecting Directors contributing writer Jennifer Trudeau for bringing the jokes!
