Funeral Home Replaces Bowl of Mints With Candy Corn for October, Immediately Regrets It | FFFW 301
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Funeral Home Replaces Bowl of Mints With Candy Corn for October, Immediately Regrets It
In what employees are already calling “the worst decision we’ve made since putting the Keurig next to the arrangement room,” a local funeral home has officially replaced its traditional lobby bowl of individually wrapped mints with candy corn for the month of October.
The decision was reportedly made Monday morning as part of an effort to “make the funeral home feel a little more festive.”
It lasted approximately 45 minutes.
“We thought it would be fun,” said funeral director Gary Henderson, staring blankly into a crystal bowl filled with untouched candy corn. “You know, fall. October. Little pop of orange. We didn’t think people would react like this.”
According to staff, the first complaint came from an 82-year-old woman who has attended nearly every visitation at the funeral home since 1997.
She allegedly walked through the front doors, approached the candy bowl, stopped, and simply asked:
“Where are the mints?”
Things quickly deteriorated from there.
One family reportedly asked whether the mint shortage was related to inflation. Another visitor searched the other end tables to see if the “real candy” had been relocated. A longtime employee quietly began handing out emergency peppermints from her purse.
By 2:00 p.m., rumors had begun circulating at a nearby church that the funeral home was “under new management.”
Henderson attempted to calm concerns by posting on Facebook that the candy corn was only a temporary seasonal offering and that regular mints would return November 1.
The post received 63 comments.
“Don’t fix what isn’t broken,” wrote one woman.
“My husband loved those mints,” wrote another.
At press time, Henderson had ordered three 5-pound bags of individually wrapped peppermints with overnight shipping.
The candy corn has reportedly been moved to the employee break room, where it remains untouched.
ASK THE FUNERAL DUDE!
Dear Funeral Dude, my funeral home has been decorated exactly the same since 1987. Does that count as vintage or haunted? – Mr. WoodPaneling
Dear Mr. WoodPaneling,
Neither. It’s dignified.
That floral wallpaper? Dignified.
The burgundy carpet that somehow continues three inches up the wall? Dignified.
The brass lamps, fake ficus trees, grandfather clock, and one painting of a duck flying over a pond? Extremely dignified.
And that dark wood paneling? Sir, that’s not outdated. That’s 100% Grade-A American funeral home dignity.
People love to walk into a funeral home and say things like, “Wow, it feels like we stepped back in time.”
Exactly.
That’s the goal.
We could renovate. We could paint everything white, install some modern furniture, throw a couple succulents around and put an iPad at the front desk.
But then we’d look like a dentist’s office.
So no, your funeral home isn’t haunted.
That unexplained creaking sound upstairs?
Dignified.
The light that flickers every night at exactly 2:13 a.m.?
Dignified.
The portrait in the arrangement room whose eyes seem to follow you?
Very dignified.
Now quit asking questions and go straighten the doilies.
– The Funeral Dude
GIF OF THE WEEK
