Here Are All the Salacious Secrets Attorneys and Watchdogs Say That You’re Keeping

Don’t you hate it when, despite your better judgment, you fall for click-bait? These are articles or social media posts with headlines like “You WON’T BELIEVE what this celebrity just did” or “So-and-so’s outrageous whatever SHOCKS fans.” They’re intentionally worded to make you feel that if you don’t click to find out more, you’re missing out on a shocking, salacious secret or juicy tidbit of breaking news — and no one likes FOMO, right?

Would you believe that deathcare professionals are often the subject of such headlines? Yes — and it’s because of all of those closely-held, if-I-tell-you-I’d-have-to-kill-you (no pun intended) universally-shared facts that consumers can never, ever find out. Headlines like “10 Facts Funeral Directors Don’t Want You to Know” and “13 Things a Funeral Director Won’t Tell You” make one imagine that every NFDA, CANA, or ICCFA convention is simply a big meeting where conspiracies are contrived and everyone gets their stories straight… as if you had time for all of that!

Well, don’t tell anyone, but here are some of the items from those lists — and a little sarcastic snark, as well, because, of course, some of them are really dumb and I can’t help myself.

1. Funeral directors are not clergy. Several estate planning law firm websites have this as number two on their lists of secrets, because they believe that funeral directors — unlike clergy — can’t be trusted “implicitly” because “funeral homes are in business to make money.” Really? You’re not volunteering your time and giving away free urns and caskets?

2. You don’t need to spend more than $400 to $600 for a modest casket. While Walmart does sell a “modest” 60-inch collapsible fabric coffin for $39.98 that is guaranteed to “help any vampire feel at home this Halloween,” even the cheapest human casket on their website (an unfinished pine box) retails for $895.

3. A funeral director should ask you before cremation whether your loved one had a pacemaker. This one comes from a Reader’s Digest list of 22 things you’re not telling consumers — and I’m sure you wouldn’t share this little nugget because who doesn’t want their cremator to explode?

4. It’s usually less expensive if the body is not present for the funeral. I honestly don’t know what to say about this one … and neither did Reader’s Digest, as this and “another way to save money” is the only commentary they offered for Secret No. 15. Are they saying you charge extra to roll a casket or carry an urn into a funeral service? Who knows.

5. There’s no need to go out and buy a new outfit for your loved one. As if you will be offended if grandma isn’t clad in this season’s runway couture…

6. Airtight caskets can explode underground. Why wouldn’t you share this with a grieving family? “Mrs. Smith, I’m so sorry for your loss. I just want you to know that your husband’s casket may explode after we bury him.” FYI … this actually came from a “5 things funeral directors don’t want you to know” list on a casket company’s website! I can’t make this stuff up.

7. There’s something called skin slip [and] orifices must be plugged up. These are just two of the “10 Things About Embalming Your Funeral Director Won’t Tell You.” They are probably absolutely correct, because … why would you? Of course, you’ve probably been asked some crazy questions every so often, especially when it comes to embalming, but I’m sure you’ve found delicate ways to answer them — and have opted not to add these facts to your arrangement room discussion checklists.

8. “Cremation is killing my profits — and you’re going to pick up the slack.” FOX News literally put this quote on their list of “10 Things Your Funeral Director Won’t Tell You” along with “Business is slow, but my prices are high.” I won’t even dignify these with a response.

9. There is help for covering funeral costs. Please never, ever tell anyone you serve that there are programs, options, and services to help them pay your bill, because of course your absolute favorite pastime has to be collecting money from grieving families (said no one, ever).

10. Urns aren’t the only place ashes can go. Nope. All of those cremation jewelry and solidified remains displays in the selection room are just for show. 

You may have noticed that I haven’t hyperlinked these items to their respective website lists — but I can promise you these words are copied verbatim from actual, and often reputable, sites. I just don’t want to drive any more traffic to these ridiculous lists!