Cremation Funeral Industry News Humor

If you are shopping for a cremator… you better first find out its gender!

March 4, 2015

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If you are shopping for a cremator… you better first find out its gender!

Article by: Luis Del Pino – Cremation Equipment Sales

WARNING: The events portrayed in this article are true, and based on an actual conversation with a real, experienced crematory operator, regarding actual cremators currently operating side by side in an undisclosed location. Due to the sensitive nature of gender topics, we were admonished to state that the operator is a woman.

I have been proudly selling cremation equipment for quite some time. I have come to love our industry, in particular my friendship with so many clients. Generally, they are small and mid-sized family-owned funeral homes and crematories, whose hard-labored success is also our collective success across our Homeland. They are true building blocks of the economic backbone of our Nation. Sorry, I tend to be wary of the “Big Guy” (article coming soon.)

Yesterday was an astonishing day in my career in cremation equipment sales.  I learned that retorts (the endearing, though technically incorrect, term for “cremator”) exhibit feelings, character, and may even have a nickname! I immediately felt it my duty to share this astounding discovery, which may help guide every professional in our industry when considering the purchase of a cremator. After all, the truth shall set you free. I dutifully recommend that, when in the market for a cremator, you should always ask as many experienced operators as possible — and not just a salesperson — before you buy.

Well, yesterday I spoke with one such operator, a very kind and knowledgeable one at that. This was a follow up call to check  on a cremator purchased from me, and now operating alongside an existing unit from a different manufacturer. I asked if everything was going well with their new unit. All well, no glitches. Then, I politely pressed for comparative data between the two cremators.

This is where the conversation took a curious twist. The operator — kindly note this is a woman operator — began referring to their first cremator as “she” and describing “her” as moody, unpredictable, touchy-feely, and needing a lot of attention. The kicker comment? “I have to be nice to Gertrude, or she smokes.” Never in my entire career had I heard a performance assessment so beautifully described in human terms! Now, rather intrigued, I asked about her new cremator. This time the operator referred to it as “he.” I could barely contain my amusement. I asked, how could I not, why a masculine character? The answer was disarmingly matter-of-fact. “The new one does what I ask, whenever I ask, and he gives me no trouble about it.”

We laughed together, and I thanked her for making my day. If this funny, true account may help someone avoid a “cremator faux pas,” or if you wish to find out the nickname of their newest cremator, I will be pleased to oblige you. I just hope Gertrude won’t mind too much a little indiscretion on my part.