Can you hear that? It’s the sirens of the weekend whispering your name. IT’S A BEAUTIFUL SOUND! We’re here to get you into your weekend zone with some funeral humor and satire. Just remember, never take anything we say here too seriously. We’re here for a good time, not a serious one.
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Funeral Home Adds Second TV for Productivity, Immediately Becomes Less Productive
Claybrook, Indiana — Morale is at an all time high at Heritage Hills Funeral Home after management installed a second television in the staff lounge this week.
Productivity is at an all time low.
Owner Kent Mallory said the new TV was originally pitched as a way to help staff stay focused and informed throughout the day. One screen would show local news and weather. The other would be used for training videos and professional development.
Instead, one TV ended up on bracket coverage and the other was showing a courtroom dispute over a jet ski.
Even so, Kent called the move a success.
“You can just feel the boost in morale,” he said. “People are smiling again. They’re energized. Productivity has absolutely fallen off a cliff, but morale is through the roof, and right now we’re choosing to focus on that.”
Staff members agreed the new setup has been great for the mood and devastating for actual output.
“Oh, nobody’s doing anything,” said one employee, still standing in the hallway watching both screens. “But people seem happier than they’ve been in months.”
Sources say the drop in productivity was immediate. Breaks got longer. Walks past the lounge got slower. Tasks that normally took ten minutes were now somehow taking the full length of a pregame show.
By Wednesday, staff had started referring to the screens as “the morale TV” and “the productivity killer.”
At press time, management was considering a third TV after determining that while almost no work was getting done, the atmosphere had never been better.
ASK THE FUNERAL DUDE!
Hey Funeral Dude, how many times can a person walk through the break room in one day before it becomes suspicious? -Mr. Breakroom Bandit
Mr. Breakroom Bandit, this is all about balance. In our profession, we are constantly walking the fine line between maintaining dignity, preserving productivity, and fighting for every possible break we can steal just to survive this exhausting journey called life.
Here’s the truth. If your conscience can handle it and the workplace remains dignified, it does not matter how much time you spend in the break room. What matters is how much time people think you spend in the break room.
That is a very different number.
Personally, I view it as a point system. You do not want to rack up more than 5 points in a single day or people start forming opinions, and in this profession opinions spread faster than a first call on a holiday weekend.
The scoring is simple. Every time a coworker sees you in the break room, that is 1 point.
Now, there are exceptions.
A lunch break earns 0 points because that is protected under both common decency and the laws of nature.
If you are speaking with your boss in the break room, you deduct 1 point because everyone will assume you are discussing something important, even if it is just fantasy baseball or whether the Keurig is acting up again.
If you are pacing back and forth while on the phone, that is only half a point. From a distance, that looks like urgency. Urgency is one of the great disguises of our time.
I would also add this. Holding a folder gets you some grace. Looking annoyed buys you even more. And if you sigh before leaving the break room, most people will assume you were in there against your will.
The key is not avoiding the break room. The key is managing appearances. We are not called to be lazy. We are called to be strategic.
Use the break room. Just do not let the break room use you.
GIF OF THE WEEK(END)
RIP CHUCK.
