Hey guys, we’re back with issue 251! As always, I truly can’t believe that we’ve kept this going for this long- we are quickly approaching FIVE YEARS of the FFFW. Five years is a long time for anything, but specifically for a weekly funeral satire column. So cheers to you- you’re the only reason we keep doing this! Thank you for reading week after week and enjoying this wacky little thing that happens here on Fridays!
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Funeral Home Staff Unveil New “Silence Training” After Director’s Cell Phone Went Off During Eulogy
Remembrance Ridge Funeral Chapel has officially launched a new mandatory silence training program for staff after an embarrassing incident last Tuesday.
Midway through a heartfelt eulogy, the director’s phone began loudly blaring a Taylor Swift ringtone. “I told them it was ‘for research,’” said the director, “but apparently, no one believes me.”
The training now includes:
- Pocket Pat-Downs before every service.
- 30-minute Silent Staring Contests to build discipline.
- A new policy requiring all ringtones to be changed to Gregorian chant just in case.
Staff report morale is mixed. “On one hand, I don’t want to be the reason a widow hears ‘Shake It Off’ during a graveside prayer,” said intern Kyle. “On the other hand, the staring contests are brutal.”
According to insiders, the chapel is considering noise-canceling casket lids as an additional precaution.
Trivia Time
Choose the correct answer and you’ll see a puppy. Get it wrong and you’ll see someone hurting themselves.
How many hot dogs could fit inside a standard 20-gauge steel casket?
A) About 8,000
B) Around 12,000
C) Nearly 20,000
You Otter Be Proud
Here’s some good news going on in the profession.
- This Milford nonprofit helps families with high funeral costs
- People Magazine Covers Funeral Profession Story
- Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones
