(Preface: If at anytime you are are utterly confused by this blog post, please skip to the bottom and read the postscript.)
*****
I know who you are. You can’t hide it.
You simply don’t allow my charming smile to affect you. My attempt at small talk is given the cold shoulder. And you won’t even look into my eyes.
You’ve already been taken. You’ve already given your heart to another.
I understand how it is.
Maybe he buried your mother. Maybe he buried a close friend.
And he has your heart. You talk about him like he’s the best thing on God’s green earth … his tender touch; his compassionate eyes, the professionalism he exhibits in that suit have won your hurting heart over. You’ll never bury with another.
It doesn’t matter that my funeral home is larger.
It doesn’t matter that I’m younger.
It doesn’t matter that my services are cheaper.
It doesn’t matter that I’m on call all night long.
You will never cheat on him … after all he’s done for you. You’ve pledged your faithfulness to him.
I understand.
Even if I speak tenderly: “Please sign the register book. And here’s a memorial folder.” But you just look down. Averting your eyes.
I know my voice is tempting you to connect with me, as you raise your eyes and whisper, “Thank you”
Suddenly, guilt envelopes your heart, as pictures of “the one” funeral director who was the last one to let you down start flashing through your mind. “Did I just connect with him when I said, ‘Thank you’? Did I commit an act of unfaithfulness? Did I cheat?”
Oh, I know what I’ve done. I sniffed you out as soon as you entered through the funeral home door. You were afraid to like me. You were sold out on YOUR funeral director and had all but forgotten any other funeral directors even existed. You came to this viewing to see your friend who had just lost her father and you didn’t expect to see me. But, when you saw me you started to wonder … your world started to open up.
I know you have a history with him. I know he treated you well. I could tell by the way you averted your eyes from me and spoke to me so coldly. You’re probably from a neighboring town, close enough that you COULD, POSSIBLY leave the funeral director in your home town and come on over to me.
And I know, that this meeting won’t be enough to entrust your heart to me. But, I can bet the next time you see me, you’ll reciprocate my smile. And the meeting after that, you might return my small talk.
And, our meeting after that might be slightly more personal. You might entrust me with your hardships and pain, and let my tender touch and compassionate eyes ease your pain.
I know what I’m doing. I’m going to be your next funeral director.
*****
(Postscript: It’s funny how you can tell who’s committed to another funeral director. Like I mentioned, they’ll often give you a cold shoulder. The relationship between a funeral director and their families is like few business relationships because of its personal nature. There’s a real commitment that takes place, and when a family “cheats” (takes their business to another funeral home), it often does feel like they’re personally rejecting YOU! And, I know of a number of funeral directors who play the temptress, and try and lure our families over to their funeral home through different marketing ploys. It’s kinda silly and kinda immature … and, it’s kinda funny.)
Very interesting take on what every funeral home owner has experienced.
Awesome article. I just recently wrote a similar post on Life With A Funeral Director – http://www.lifewithafuneraldirector.com about a family member who goes elsewhere. Such an interesting study of societal dynamics!
I am so taken by this writing, as it is an experience that I as a funeral home owner live everyday of my life. Having purchased an independent funeral home some 9 years ago at the early age of 28, in a town where I am not from and did not know anyone. My decision to purchase the funeral home that I did was based on three things, 1. where God wanted me 2. the purchase price 3. the other funeral home in town is owned by a corporation. The feelings that were expressed here are exactly the feelings that I often feel. It saddens me that there are people and families that feel they have an un-breakable bond with a corporate owned funeral home. Wait, most families and people are unaware of the presence of the corporation. Many will say well “they” still work there and the name is the same, “they” still own it. Many have warmed up to me and have learned that the corporate game and rumors of which they spread are untrue. I have learned a lesson that too several years. Be positive, serve well and prove to be different and do not respond to the negativity. It pays off in the end. I am now doing business I never thought I would do. I want to be and am the positive funeral home in our community. Positivity makes the difference, kkep everything fresh and clean, stay at a lower cost, offer the best service and never let the nay sayers or the rumors get you. Be positive and dependent on God. You will come out on top. Experience speaking here…..
The Funeral Directors that are employed by corperations are still DARN GOOD Funeral Directors and should be afforded the loyalty of grieving people just like the independent funeral homes. The fact that there is a vast network of people and resources available to the corperation that the independent can not possibly access due to cost and other limitations is one thing that should not be down played by the independent. That seems to be a marketing tool… “we dont answer to people in a big city” but rather that we, corperate funeral directors are caring, compassionate, and dedicated funeral directors that follow the same mantra that you did… Where God wanted us to be, is where we are!
Thanks for listening.
BTW, I have been employed by both small independent, large independent, and the corperation. I see benefits and draw backs in all opportunities.
“And, I know of a number of funeral directors who play the temptress, and try and lure our families over to their funeral home through different marketing ploys. It’s kinda silly and kinda immature … and, it’s kinda funny.” Wow! I didn’t realize its “kind of” …anything to increase market share and drive business to your funeral home. If you still think the people in your town should be ” your family” forever, maybe you don’t deserve the business you are getting and you are definitely living in the past.
And by the way, not everyone can own a funeral home so why judge the employees of public company funeral homes, do you think they only become good again once they are working for you?
It doesn’t matter if you’ve worked on the corporate side or the independent side, EVERY funeral director who has been in this business long enough has experienced this. There is no denying that it doesn’t feel good, especially when you work so hard to keep your families satisfied.
I absolutely hate the phrase that was used below, “increase market share”, I worked on the corporate side at one time and this mantra employed quite often, sadly I heard it more often than “let’s satisfy every family”. I don’t think I’ve ever heard – that I can recall – a funeral home OWNER, of which I am one, use this “increase market share” phrase. I’ve seen many funeral homes corporate and private try to “increase market share” with preneed gimmicks and anything else they could do to get people in their doors – sadly increasing customer satisfaction wasn’t what was being marketed, advertised or given.
By the way, unless I’m blind I don’t recall Caleb judging anyone for not being a funeral home owner or for being an employee of a corporate firm. Stop reading into these articles and stop being so sensitive.
as an old time embalmeri in the funeral industy there is more savage ways a now to profit
As always, great article, Caleb. Of course, I’m looking at it from the perspective of the person who walks into a funeral home to attend another’s service. I guess I’m not one of those people who has such a strong bond with one funeral director in particular — so I don’t mind talking to that friendly funeral director at all. 🙂
Understanding that people can, indeed, “stray” is certainly an interesting perspective to keep in mind, though.
Any professional offering personal service and relying strongly on referral business experiences this same issue — real estate agent, interior designer, financial planner, etc. Yet, those professions are far more tuned in to the fact that clients are less loyal than previous generations.
I come from a family with a business that served multiple family generations — just not in funeral service. So, I cringe when I hear funeral professionals talk about “their families” that will call when they need funeral services, so “we don’t do much marketing.” Little do they realize that those families are shopping around more often and chatting it up with the Neptune Society…
One thing that makes the funeral profession so unique with regards to this is this: When someone switches realtors, automobile dealers, plumbers, electricians, appliance dealer, etc., no one is aware of it. Everyone who reads obituaries knows which funeral home each family called. One can even keep track of obituaries and keep a running tab on how many calls each funeral home in a community does. I know most funeral directors do this. I used to. I don’t anymore.